Rob Manfred perpetuates the stereotype of Rob Manfred

Sean Beckwith|published: Fri 16th June, 11:18 2023

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred speaks to members of the media following an owners’ meeting credits: John Minchillo | source: AP

I don’t want to speak for an entire fanbase here, but I’m 99.99999 percent confident when I say Rob Manfred can take his sympathy for Oakland A’s fans and shove it up his (redacted) until his (redacted) are popping out of his (redacted). Go (redacted) yourself, you (redacted) lying heap of (redacted). If you’re not following, just play adlibs with four-letter words because the MLB commissioner gave some truly patronizing quotes about the A’s likely relocation to Las Vegas during the owners’ meeting Thursday.

“I feel sorry for the fans in Oakland,” Manfred said. “I do not like this outcome. I understand why they feel the way they do. I think the real question is what is it that Oakland was prepared to do? There is no Oakland offer. They never got to the point where they had a plan to build a stadium at any site.”

There have been several rebuttals to Manfred’s assertion, primarily the mayor of Oakland herself. The fans feel the way they do because this ruse was as poorly telegraphed as it was transparent from the jump, and they know better than anyone what kind of parasite they’re dealing with in owner John Fisher.

Speaking of which, here’s Manfred acting as Fisher’s pain sponge and defending the approach of a guy who’s done nothing but ground Moneyball down to an unrecognizable nub during his tenure.

“I think if you look at the A’s record over time and the economic circumstances, including the state of the stadium that they’ve operated in for a very long time, they had a very good record up through the pandemic,” the MLB commish said.

I’m sorry GAP’s spring catalog didn’t pop enough to refill your trust fund, John, but if you’re so strapped for cash, selling the team seems to be a viable, lucrative, and popular option. There have literally been 27,000 fans with bags on their heads reverse-protesting for it at the ballpark this week, which Manfred also found a way to insult.

“It’s great to see what is, this year, almost an average Major League Baseball crowd in the facility for one night,” Manfred said.

Wait, did he say that, or has Fisher been boning up on his ventriloquism? (Verifies quotes.) Yup, Rob said it, and I guess congratulations are in order for the owners, who didn’t need an Infinity Stone to create Ultron. The Manfred Bot doesn’t need strings or prompts; it says these things naturally (and monetarily).

Manfred following the capitalists’ guide to commissioning

I know pro sports commissioners get rewarded handsomely to be the owners’ barrier to fan backlash, which is why I try to spread the blame around accordingly. However, when Manfred looks at his beady pupils in the mirror before nestling into his rat’s nest for the night, the likelihood of him thanking his bosses — or contemplating stress quitting due to their ceaseless greed — probably veers toward the former.

People who’ve been following the A’s to Vegas saga know that this isn’t a Raiders situation, where fans were mad but begrudgingly accepting because of the nomadic history of the franchise. The A’s are their team, and supporters might’ve supported better if they thought a jersey purchase would still be valid after the trade deadline.

John Fisher is operating with all the good faith of Rachel Phelps, and Rob Manfred, as he is eternally contracted to do, has been aiding and abetting throughout. So, best of luck to the city of Oakland. You have my sympathy, for what it’s worth.