MLB Season Preview: What You Need To Know For 40 Minutes Of Marlins Baseball

Aw shit yeah, buddies, it’s Opening Day! The good kind of Opening Day, too. One of those classics on which all 30 teams—well, except for the Nats and Reds and Tigers and Pirates, because their games have already been postponed—play on the same day and it’s non-stop baseball. I do have one piece of bad news, though.

The first game of the day starts at 12:30 p.m. EDT, and it features the Cubs taking on the Marlins. “That’s piss!” you are thinking. “The Cubs are cool or whatever but the Marlins stink! I’ll just switch over to another game.” My friend, here is the bad news: you have to wait 40 minutes.

The next game of the day, in which the Cardinals will take on the Mets, doesn’t begin until 1:10 p.m. That means you’re stuck with watching one of the most pathetically assembled teams in baseball history for 40 minutes. It’s probably the only 40 minutes you will spend watching or thinking about the Marlins this year, but that’s the shit you’re going to have to eat. What are you going to do, not watch baseball after you’ve been waiting so long for baseball to return?

Since we’re all briefly going to be stuck in this hell together, I figured we might as well be as informed as possible. So here is a comprehensive season preview to help you enjoy 40 minutes of Marlins baseball.

Starlin Castro? He plays there now. If you happen to be watching this game at a bar with friends because you wisely skipped work, one of them will certainly say, “Wait, Starlin Castro is a Marlin now?” You will wisely reply, “Yes, he is.” And that interaction will all be thanks to this informative preview!

Aside from him there are no other good players.

Jose Ureña. He looks like this. Your same uninformed friend may glance up at him and say, “Edinson Volquez still pitches for the Marlins?” And you shall reply, “No, that’s Jose Ureña.” Wow, look at how much you are learning.

Justin Bour? He’s a big lad. I honestly have no idea.

This blog is over.