MLS, Which Is Definitely Not A Ponzi Scheme, Wants To Expand By Adding Three New Teams For $200 Million Each

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Are you: A) obscenely wealthy, B) in possession of or willing to form a soccer team domiciled in the U.S. or Canada, and C) looking for a foolproof way to take that soccer investment to the next level? If so, then boy, do I have great news for you!

MLS, the wildly popular and universally respected American soccer league that is totally legit and has a business model that in no way shape or form resembles a Ponzi scheme, is offering YOU the opportunity of a lifetime. Today, the league has announced that three lucky teams will have the opportunity to join MLS’s ranks by becoming the 28th, 29th, and 30th members of the club. And you can be one of those lucky three for the criminally low entry fee of just $200 million!


MLS’s constant expansion is itself fantastic proof of its health as a league and a business. Rich guys across the country are positively itching to get in on this. The league announced its previous round of expansion back in 2015, when it planned to grow from 24 franchises to 28. Even before that round could be completed—MLS still has yet to make a decision on which city will host franchise number 28—the league has returned to give even more hopefuls the chance to buy in.


By all appearances, one of either Sacramento or St. Louis was going to land the 28th spot. In fact, it’s likely that MLS had such a hard time picking which of the two should join its exclusive class that it split the difference and let in both, with room for an extra one later. That’s exactly the kind of savvy dealing and creative problem solving—not at all motivated by the fact that the enormous expansion fees the league collects from new members and divvies up between its current array of owners is the primary way it ensures everyone’s pockets stay fat since almost no one is interested in watching the on-field product the league is ostensibly selling—that should give you, rich guy from Indianapolis or Louisville or Detroit or wherever, the utmost confidence that this investment will be a great one.

Worried about the costs associated with building your team a new stadium that meets MLS’s stated standards? Don’t be! The league will do its very best to help you siphon off funds from local taxpayers to pay for most or maybe even all the costs associated with stadium construction.

Concerned about maintaining a passionate fan base in a city or region with little to no professional soccer history? Pssh, MLS teams have a well-established history of wholly inventing devoted supporter groups from thin air without anyone noticing, and anyway, poor attendance and non-existent television viewership has almost never caused serious damage to a team’s bottom line. Plus, if you don’t like the fans you have, the league will probably let you pick up sticks and move your team to some new locale.

Unsure about whether there is enough talent in the player pool to field a competitive, competent soccer team? Lol, who gives a shit! You’ll quickly find that American soccer fans are so desperate for anything close to compelling domestic soccer that they will actively pretend that even the most rancid of shit sandwiches is actually haute cuisine.


Afraid of the risks you might incur should the team you put out not be any good? It literally couldn’t matter less! There is absolutely no penalty for sucking, and the lack of relegation in conjunction with the team-friendly salary cap means you barely have to spend any money on payroll if you want. As you can see, there are practically no downsides here.

So phone up your rich buddies to see if you guys can pool together enough money for an ownership group, seek out the big-city mayor whose reelection campaign your donations paid for to test the waters on a publicly financed downtown stadium, pick up your old copy of FIFA 09 to see if any of your favorite star players from back then are old enough for a spell in a retirement league, and get yourself started down the path of MLS franchise ownership! Expansion is fun on this side and lucrative on the other, and there is no end in sight!