Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

More Like Chad OchoTANGO! Dancing With The Stars Live Blog

Illustration for article titled More Like Chad OchoTANGO! Dancing With The Stars Live Blog

Sandwiched betwixt Opening Day and some type of basketball competition lies grown adults dancing for charity the hell of it. Bravissimo!


It could be remarkably easy to blow off live blogging DWTS simply because of all the other sports happenings today, but perhaps it's a sound idea to immerse oneself in something other than athletics for a brief couple of hours. Then again, the absolute best use of my spare time would be to read a book or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Okay, so with that in mind let's start watching celebrities dance.

Let's gander at the hallowed board of scores:

53 points: Nicole Sherzinger/Derek Hough (Team Nicorek)
47 points: Evan Lysacek/Anna Trebunskaya (Team Lysabuns)
44 points: Erin Andrews/Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Team Maksim-um Traffic)
43 points: Pamela Anderson/Damian Whitewood (Team PamDam)
40 points: Jake Pavelka/Chelsie Hightower (Team J-High)
39 points: Niecy Nash/Louis van Amstel (Team Loucy)
34 points: Chad Ochocinco/Cheryl Burke (Team Ch-eryl)
34 points: Aiden Turner/Edyta Sliwinska (Team Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska)
31 points: Kate Gosselin/Tony Dovolani (Team Tonkat)
26 points: Buzz Aldrin/Ashly Costa (Team Daddy Daughter Picnic)

Shannen Doherty/Mark Ballas (Team Shark)
Kansas City Royals

We'll take a week's respite from bingo festivities. Having come from an Opening Day live blog and jetting off to a Duke-Butler jamboree after this, let's just enjoy the time we have right now.

8:01 — A sneak peek into backstage drama. If only they could tell me when those segments are so I can schedule my bowel movements accordingly.

8:04 — The judges want to see "stories" in people's dances. I assume this means doing square dancing while carrying copies of Wüthering Heights in their cleavage.


8:06 — But first: ABC's mini-series, Dancing With People You're Not Sure Who They Are.

8:09 — Either Evan Lysacek would really like to take his dance partner out for a date, or he's trying way too hard to look macho. You're a figure skater. Accept your place in our society.


8:13 — If any dance needed the #whimsy tag, it was that. But the judges will not stop chiding Evan's footwork. Also, Lysacek is doing this all with some broken toes. And yet the scores: 9, 8, 9.

8:17 — God, I can't wait for the backstage drama. From there, I can project my own anger on their temporary failures!


8:18 — So what if, by comparison to nubile twentysomethings, Buzz isn't that good a dancer? Let him win and blow the lid off the whole DWTS operation.

8:24 — Judges? 5, 4, 4. They just hate The Moon so much.

8:31 — Welcome back to Conniptions With The Stars.

8:33 — The Bachelor (and partner) shimmy to "Walk Like An Egyptian." Can't wait for the ensuing comedy pyramid.


8:36 — A clean row of Seven Costanzas. A Sphinxter says what?

8:41 — Niecy Nash is crying, but it isn't a fight with her dance partner. So this is acceptable.


8:45 — I agree: dancing technique must be perfect or interracial couples aren't believable.

8:47 — More sevens. Everybody grab one. They grow on trees!

8:52 — See, Ochocinco, dancing is like a great sports play.

8:55 — True story: the pasodoble is also the dance that lured Cedric Benson into Cincinnati. Also, what a professional touch for him to get an embroidered "OCHOCINCO" vest with no shirt.


9:01 — And those are 7 6 7 marks for the tandem. Shayne Graham missed the extra point.

9:04 — Yay, Charo found work for a day!

9:06 — Pamela Anderson interpreted a fiery dance where she dislikes the man. No way is this turning all young adolescents off. (Also: is she technically a cougar yet? This needs to be settled.)


9:08 — For Stripperella, it's a seven in every pot, and a car in every garage.

9:17 — Soapdish.

9:20 — Aiden and whats-her-face-in-blue get a 7/6/7. Sure.

9:25 — Erin Andrews endures backstage drama. Obsessed fans, take note.

9:26 — That was ... yes, that was a blindfold for Erin Andrews. You may hear about this later.


9:27 — Indeed, this is Erin dancing blindfolded. I'm ... kinda speechless. And wordless.

9:30 — Of course the old guy isn't a fan of a woman dancing with her eyes covered. That's not the way they did it during the Dust Bowl!


9:35 — And how did we like the blind waltz? 8/7/8. That's how they liked it.

9:39 — This is where Kate Gosselin turns her faux-celebrity angst into dancing MAGIC. Perhaps it's time to see if the dog needs to go take a dump outside.


9:42 — Hurry up, commercials. I got a Duke-Butler thing to view.

9:44 — Kate dances to Gaga's "Paparazzi." Because, you see, her life is hard.

9:45 — Oh, RIP INTO HER, JUDGES. Hahahahaha.

9:47 — A plus-one from Tom Bergeron: "...and 'super bitch from hell' was the compliment in that." Too bad Kate can't have those points: 5/5/5.


9:54 — And finally, the theme for Nicole Scherzinger's dance is "I'm On A Boat."

9:55 — Everyone, please, break out into your own sea shanty. And be ALIVE. Own it.


9:57 — No, wait, the theme is "Sailor Moon." I misread that.

9:58 — But they broke a couple rules. I wasn't aware there were even any rules except for "Posture, people!"


9:59 — Eight. Six. Nine. Tommy Tutone's got a new idea for a song.

10:00 — So, vote, I guess. Or do something more constructive with the phone, such as call your mother. She's been waiting. M'kay, so let's watch some collegiate basketball competition. Until next week, ballroom party.


Week 3 Scores

Lysacek/Trebunskaya: 9-8-9 (26)
Andrews/Chmerkovskiy 8-7-8 (23)
Sherzinger/Hough (23)
Pavelka/Hightower: 7-7-7 (21)
Nash/van Amstel: 7-7-7 (21)
Anderson/Whitewood: 7-7-7 (21)
Ochocinco/Burke: 7-6-7 (20)
Turner/Sliwinska 7-6-7 (20)
Gosselin/Dovolani 5-5-5 (15)
Aldrin/Costa: 5-4-4 (13)