Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

NBA, Disney Squander Testing Kits as Florida Residents Die in Record Numbers

Illustration for article titled NBA, Disney Squander Testing Kits as Florida Residents Die in Record Numbers
Illustration: AP

Here’s where we left off in Florida, which is an awful place governed by morons:

  • NBA players, packed into a bafflingly close space, are staving off disease
  • An entire professional soccer league is clustered together down the street, also trying to avoid a pestilence
  • All things are for naught — the cold hand of Death spares no man

With that in mind, for the purposes of conversation, let us suppose that not dying for as long as possible is a good thing. I’ve italicized that phrase, because it’s important. I will also go ahead and italicize its corollary, being alive is better than being dead, another cornerstone of the point at hand. Good? Let’s proceed, then.

Advertisement

Following from the above, we come to our next step in this half-assed syllogism: It is important to know when you have a disease that could kill you. Yes, score one for the scientific method! Being aware of a potentially fatal ailment is helpful in setting a course of treatment against it. Let’s extrapolate a bit: The more quickly a disease can kill you, the more important it is to know about.

That last part is what brings us back to Florida, America’s overly confident penis.

Advertisement

The state of Florida reported more COVID-19 deaths yesterday than any other day thus far. Its ICU beds are at capacity in more than 50 hospitals. More than 8,300 people are currently hospitalized due to COVID.

With the White House now circumventing the Centers for Disease Control by ordering hospitals to report their coronavirus data directly to the Department of Health and Human Services — an arm of the Trump administration — we likely won’t know what the actual numbers are going forward for Florida or any other state.

As fate would have it, though, coronavirus kills way more old people than young people! This is another important thing to consider! Guess what, though: There are not enough tests to go around in Florida, a miserable wasteland.

Residents, including the state’s four million people over 65, are waiting up to two weeks for test results! That’s a fucking long time, which makes it dangerous, especially for the elderly! People are going to die unnecessarily, and there are not enough italics in the world to connote the seething fury this warrants!

Advertisement

Meanwhile, players in Disney’s Stupid Athlete Bubble are getting tested every day. Multiple times a day, even. Lab techs are turning those tests around in two days or less. This amounts to thousands of tests performed on people who have no justifiable need to even be near Florida right now as the state battles a crisis.

Advertisement

How many more of these crucial, finite resources will Florida, Disney, and pro sports divert to bread-and-circus nonsense? The state’s residents are mortally ill. Think back to our first proposition: not dying for as long as possible is a good thing. These crooks are squandering thousands of test kits and valuable lab bandwidth for the sake of televised entertainment.

The following people are craven goons. Hurl dairy products at them:

  • Adam Silver, NBA commissioner
  • Don Garber, MLS commissioner
  • Ron DeSantis, Florida governor

Mickey Mouse and the human familiars who do its bidding have outmaneuvered the world. Once again.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter