NBA Finals Preview: Celtics-Lakers Game 4

Basketbawful has broken out the highest quality Wiccan spell components — rubber lips, mummy poop, fish eyes, a dead pirate's peg leg, and a signed photo of Menudo — to uncover the darkest mysteries of tonight's NBA Finals game.

Kevin Garnett. KG's averaging 18 points and 13 rebounds in the Finals, and he's playing his usual lockdown D (I'm not sure you could find Lamar Odom or Pau Gasol on a milk carton at this point). But at least one odd-looking Boston journalist says that's not enough. According to Dan Shaughnessy: "We want Garnett to dominate with the basketball. No one can dispute his defensive intensity and impact, but we want him to have a Wilt Chamberlain game, or a Larry Bird game, or a Michael Jordan game. On offense. We want him to take his defensive energy to the other end of the court, especially at the end of close games. Stop floating around the perimeter like an anxious high school sophomore trying to get the nerve to cross the cafeteria floor and ask a cheerleader for a date. Apparently, this just isn't him." Yup. They sure do love KG in Boston...

But at least Garnett has acknowledged that it's time to stop jackin' up 18-footers. "I've got Pau on me. It's not like he's easy when it comes to being a defender. But for the most part, I watched this game. It's not one of my better offensive games, and I'll make adjustments accordingly. But you're right, I probably do need to take the ball to the basket a little more." Uh, ya think?

Kobe Bryant. He roasted his bleeping teammates so bleeping bad during Game 2 that Sasha Vujacic is going to have to color in his eyebrows with a number two pencil for the next six weeks. The scene in the Lakers huddle was ugly enough to catch the attention of Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Shilling, who was sitting behind the L.A. bench, and Shilling reported on his blog what we all sort of already knew: Kobe's kind of a dick. But the Lakers are clearly okay with that, as long as he remains an unstoppable scoring machine.

Kobe did respond to Shilling's shelling, though. When asked about it, Mamba simply said: "Go Yankees!"

Bonus fun! You've gotta love the way the L.A. media — the same dudes who were dive-bombing Kobe last summer — tried to form a protective wall around their new favorite son. T.J. Simers, for instance, said "There's no bigger sissy than a hit-and-run blogger." He would know.

Eddie House. Bill Simmons has been screaming for House. Now Steve Bulpett's doing it too. And frankly, now is the time for Doc Rivers to unleash the Green Gunner. I mean, Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle in Game 3 and can't shoot past five feet anyway, and Sam Cassell handles the rock like his family is being held hostage by the Jigsaw killer and they'll die unless he shoots every time he touches it.

And House is prepared to help out...even though he's only played about six minutes per game in the playoffs. "You know, I played all season. I was in the rotation all year. Just in the playoffs I fell off the face of the earth, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse to not be ready. I think it would be a disservice to my team and also to myself if I wasn't ready. So, you know, just stay ready, stay prepared and if you get called, you're ready. If you don't (get called), you're staying ready." Yeah, I think Eddie's ready.

Pau Gasol. The L.A. police are searching the greater Los Angeles area for Pau Gasol's game, but they needn't worry. He may be averaging only 13.7 PPG in the Finals, but that's not a slump. That's an adjustment. "I just try to adjust to what the team needs. Most of the time we need somebody that rebounds, plays defense now and hustles and bangs up. Even though my body is not fit for that most of the time, I still try to have a lot of hard work and I'm a competitor. I'm going to go out there and do what it takes." I have to agree: His body is most certainly not fit for banging.

Paul Pierce. Speaking of guys whose game is rotting in a dumpster somewhere, what happened to the Truth? In Game 3, he scored 6 points on 2-for-14 shooting. Yeah, I threw up in my mouth about that too. But it's not the knee or anything. It was just a little stage fright. See, he's from L.A. originally. "I was probably a little more anxious than normal being that I'm at home in front of more family and more friends. I've got to block that out and go out there and leave it on the court. I've done it in the past, I've been out there and played and played well, and it's time for me to do it again." Oh, shoot, don't worry about it, Paul. This isn't the NBA Finals or anything. Oh, wait...

Lamar Odom. He's averaging 9.3 PPG in the Finals. He's been in foul trouble every game. And his head is kind of freaky looking. But he's not going to get down on himself. Dude's staying positive. "You have to persevere. Right now, it's about the L.A. Lakers, not Lamar Odom. If I could just stay on the court to help the team do whatever, whether it's rebounding or making plays. You can't expect for every game to be a 20-point game in the Finals. I'll go watch the tape over and over again and just see what I can do." Hey, Lamar. When you're watching that tape, don't worry about your head. We love you anyway, even if you do kind of look like the Elephant Man.

Team leaderization: Hey, screw you, Curt Shilling. Kobe's all behind Gasol and Odom, even if they are struggling. "They'll be fine. We're playing a great team. It's not like it's going to be easy for them. It's a matter of them figuring out where those spots are going to be attacking them. They're both very smart, intelligent basketball players and they'll be fine." Rumor has it, five minutes after he said that, Mamba's head exploded.

Zzzzzzzzz. Some people think Kobe's tired. I'm not buying it. Part of his deal with the Devil is that he doesn't need to sleep, as long as he clubs one baby seal per night.

Luke Walton. The Son of Walton got a phone call the other day. And this is what he heard: "This is Paul Pierce. You're a bum, and all your teammates are bums." But — and I know this is going to shock you — it wasn't really Paul Pierce. It was just Papa Bill, apparently trying to motivate his son. It was kind of a lame attempt, though. Said Luke: "He wouldn't even change his voice." Huh. Then that was probably the worst Paul Pierce impersonation in the history of Western Civilization.

What the Celtics need to do: Play their typical hard-nosed and slightly dirty defense, pound the boards, force KG to score inside, and keep a few hands in the face of the Lakers' perimeter shooters. Oh, and keeping Eddie House in the game so they can spread the floor might help. Use a séance to summon the spirit of Red Auerbach, then replace Doc's soul with Red's.

What the Lakers need to do: Run, run, run. Isolate Kobe to trick Boston into stupid double-teams so their shooters can get wide open. Wake up Lamar Odom. Get Pau Gasol a kevlar vest. Cut Sasha Vujacic's damn hair.

My prediction: The Lakers win by a chicken.