NBA Finals Preview: Celtics-Lakers Game 6

Basketbawful has broken out the highest quality Wiccan spell components - mutant worms, baby poo, a lock of Fabio's back hair, a ninja's shin bone, and Britney Spears' first training bra - to uncover the darkest mysteries of tonight's NBA Finals game.

Kevin Garnett. KG dropped an greasy stink bomb in Boston's Game 5 loss. And he knew it. This is how Garnett described his craptacular performance: "It was trash. I played like garbage tonight." But he also said, "I can do better and I will," later adding that "It's going to be like coming into the Amazon, into the jungle. I look forward to coming home and playing." Ooooookay. Well, KG, giving the Celtics some scoring, rebounding, and sound interior defense would be nice. Avoiding a bunch of stupid reaching fouls would be even better.

Fickle fate, Part I. The Celtics have two chances at home to win the title...and that's about the only thing they have going in their favor right now. Paul Pierce has a bum knee and nobody knows how bad it is (he refused an MRI because he didn't want to know had bad the damage was until after the Finals). Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle and his confidence. Kendrick Perkins has a strained shoulder and is a game-time decision (my prediction: he plays, but poorly). And, finally, Ray Allen has been dealing with an undisclosed health issue with one of his kids. Note to Danny Ainge: This is what happens when you make a deal with the Devil. It never ends well.

Fickle Fate, Part II. As if all that crap wasn't enough, the Celtics - like the Spurs before them — had plane problems after a critical playoff game. The team was supposed to leave L.A. yesterday at 11 a.m. Pacific time, but because of mechanical issues with the plane, they didn't leave until after 2:30 p.m., and they arrived at Hanscom Field in Bedford around 10:30 p.m. Eastern time. So basically, instead of being all banged up, they get to be banged up and tired. But what can you do? Nothing, according to Doc Rivers. "There's nothing you can do about it. It's a tough one, as tough as you can have. I think going West to East is tougher. Sleep patterns are messed up. There's no way around it. It's just a tough turnaround. I wish we could do this on Thursday and just skip a Tuesday." And I wish I was swimming in a giant money bin full of gold coins and hookers, but it's probably not in the cards.

Officiating. Tonight's referees: Eddie F. Rush, Bennett Salvatore, and Joey Crawford. And we all know about the controversies surrounding the last two (but you can go here to read about it if you want). For some reason, the ongoing officiating situation reminds me of that scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail where the townspeople are trying to prove that chick is a witch. With the refs being the townspeople, of course.

Must-not-see TV, Part I. This is Celtics-Lakers, baby! Everybody's watching, right? Wrong. This year's NBA Finals are currently on pace for only the sixth-best championship round rating in the 10 years since Michael Jordan pushed off of Bryon Russell and shot his way to a storybook ending that he would later totally ruin by playing in Washington. Anyway, the ratings for Game 5 were up 11 percent from Game 5 of the 2006 Heat-Mavs Finals, which is only slightly more impressive than being named "primary staff contact" for your local Storm Trooper garrison. I blame the NBA. That week of waiting for the Finals was stuffed so full of classic games and hype articles that even die-hard basketball fans are vomiting purple and gold and pooping out green and white.

Must-not-see TV, Part II. Boston sportswriter Bob Ryan has his pink princess panties all in a bunch over how unwatchable the Finals have been so far. Because three out of five games featuring 20-point comebacks with thrilling finishes is totally yawntastic. I'm sure that Bob is dreaming wistfully of those halcyon days of 1984 when his beloved Celtics won the championship despite shooting 39 percent from the field...now that would be awesome.

Matt Damon. He's a Celtics fan who — according to Bill Simmons — had the temerity to root for his team in the vicinity of Phil Jackson. And Phil Jackson didn't like that. Apparently, the Zen Master told Damon to "Sit down and shut the fuck up." Ouchie. Sounds like Phil needs a little daily om. Anyway, the real reason I brought this up was so I could link to this clip from Team America: World Police. Matt Damon!!!

He said it. Paul Pierce, who dropped a mighty 38 on the Lakers in Game 5, proved he could shoot off at the mouth, too. Said the Truth: "We're one up, with two games to go at home. It still feels like we have the advantage, and I do feel like we're the better team." Oh, man. Aren't guys supposed to save the whole "we're the better team" shtick for when they're whining and making excuses about why they lost? Just ask Doug Christie.

Kobe Bryant. He's spent the last several days talking about Harry Potter and reminiscing about how his grandparents used to live in Muhammad Ali's old house. Which I guess is his way of avoiding the subject of how the Celtics have contained him and all the discussion about how he's not like Mike after all. But boy wizards and old boxers aside, Kobe needs to stop bleeping the bleep out of his teammates and bleep up the Boston defense, because if he doesn't dominate, the Lakers are finished.