This cast of the Lake Show is as triggering as it is good

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope with America’s ongoing nightmare. No, not COVID, though I did just go to a wedding and got the “Hey, heads up, it was a super spreader” text today. That said, I’d let an infected cough in my mouth right now if it meant a Los Angeles Lakers playoff exit as soon as possible. I can’t take the narratives or the praise or the Brow any fucking longer.

I need a space to vent, and thankfully so do a lot of the other people who hate L.A. with a searing passion. This collection of Lakers is especially loathsome, and to make matters worse, the front office said it will dole out rings to Russell Westbrook and Pat Beverley if they win the title. The only way I will accept that is if the ring comes with the word “replica” written on the inside.

However, today, I’m going to focus on active members of the Lakers, and rank them according to who I hate the most because I’m too petty to give them an iota of credit.

I don’t really harbor any feelings at all about these four guys because they rarely if ever see the floor. So they get a pass because I don’t have all day, and don’t have any fodder to skewer them with.

The nepotism runs from the floor up in Los Angeles, and I really regret not relishing the Lakers’ misfortunes more. I long for the days of suboptimal role players putting up numbers in lost seasons, and ESPN praising guys who wouldn’t be mentioned if they played for any other NBA team not named the Knicks.

I saw actual, real articles about the prospects of these two players, and I just wanted to shout “LeBron would’ve already traded them if they had any value!”

I love when teams just give the Lakers possibly redeemable talent for a box of popcorn and a pop socket. Bamba doesn’t even play. He just looks dumb on the sidelines, and reminds me of Kevin O’Connor saying “Don’t take LeBron for granted.” Don’t tell me who to take for granted. If I appreciate something, I risk enjoying it, and I won’t compromise my morals.

Here’s another player that was just handed to the Lakers. He could’ve helped so many other organizations, and I’d dislike him more if he didn’t go cold in the second round. His spotty shooting kept Golden State alive (for a little while at least), and I really need that lack of confidence to funnel to the other rotation players.

Did you know that Malik had a fling with Larsa Pippen at one point? Larsa is the ex-wife of Scottie and mother to Scottie Jr. Malik pleaded guilty to a felony charge of threats of violence after he threatened a family who was househunting in his neighborhood with a gun. He got a 12 for that, and a 120-day jail sentence that was switched to house arrest because of COVID. I don’t really care about Beasley, but he does sound like kind of a dick.

This occasionally talented shooting guard swung a playoff, which is totally cool, and something I’ve totally moved on from. Anytime I want to Hulk out, I think about the amount of thirstiness in Walker’s DMs after that Game 4 against the Warriors. It was such a ridiculous heat check that I was surprised LeBron didn’t claim to be first on Walker’s potential in the postgame presser like he did with Migos.

Can we please stop being surprised by how big Rui is? He had more of a low post-game at Gonzaga than you might remember, and I really wish he was still shitting the bed in Washington. These fucking role players taking turns looking like lottery picks are going to be the death of me. Seriously, I might stick my head in a vat of Bud Light (that’d kill you, right?) the next time Rui shows up sniping like Ray Allen.

LeBron’s ability to get teammates to eschew bad habits is one of the most underrated parts of his game. The only person who refused to listen was eliminated weeks ago, but still wants a ring for his disservice. The sooner D-Lo does his Westbrook impression, the better. Maybe up the level of difficulty, too, just because Russell actually makes some of these unnecessarily hard shots. Throw a ball out of bounds for no reason, go into full D-Lo-on-the-Nets mode, and tell the world a teammate is cheating on Iggy Azalea.

Something other than being a guy who’s self-aware, and wants what’s best for the club.

Adding Tristan Thompson to this roster was the opposite of adding The Rock to the Fast and Furious franchise. His signing was like getting punched in the juevos the same day you got fired, dumped, and sued. A pox on Rob Pelinka for asking what this roster needs, and answering: “A former cast member of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

We get it. Austin Reaves is more than a stereotype, and can do more than stand in the corner and shoot threes. Forgive me if I’m not surprised that a basketball player can, you know, play basketball. Like talking m&m’s, Santa, aliens, and Jason Sehorn, they do exist, and it’s more than a little condescending when people act like St. Nick came down the chimney everytime Reaves converts a layup.

Also, fuck off, Austin.

LeBron is doing the NBA equivalent of crumpling to the turf whenever he sees an unblocked pass rusher, and thankfully I had a decade of pundits praising Tom Brady for pacing himself to prepare me for their astonishment over James. Like my old car that had a busted blinker, I’ve gotten as used to ignoring LeBron’s constant acclaim as I did of the neverending clicking of the turn signal.

I dislike LeBron for many things, but No. 1 is that he’s a Laker. He picked to most frontrunner-y, popular franchise for the end of his career, and an organization that I fucking hate with every fiber of my being. To me, the Lakers are the Cubs only if the Cubs were successful.

LeBron voluntarily went to this franchise for business reasons, and he’s careening/aspiring toward a Kendall Roy level of emptiness. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I’m not here for a redemption arc to one of my least favorite hoopers ever. Hey, Dennis, remember that time you mocked Dame Time, and he ended your season from 45 feet? Remember the Schröder-Pat Bev backcourt? That was a beautiful disaster, and reasons 17 through 30 why this turnaround is so frustrating.

Los Angeles was utter dogshit to start the season, but because they’re the Lakers, were given several get-of-bad-contract free cards to course correct. However, Schröder’s involvement is the bane of my existence. He’s an irritant that’s on a team so good it offsets how shitty he is.

You know that kid in grade school who talked a bunch of crap because he was on a good team even though he didn’t really contribute anything ever? That’s Schröder.

This shouldn’t come as a shock. AD is supposed to be the reason the Lakers lose. Whether a calf, a shoulder, a strain, or whatever else, this current run of health isn’t supposed to be sustainable. The Brow was wheeled out of a game the other night for an injury that wasn’t a concussion, and 17 million Twitter users legitimately wondered if he was dead.

Davis forced his way out of New Orleans because he couldn’t make a team relevant on his own, and needed big poppa Bronny’s help. The guy is so corny that he did a brow deepfake for April Fool’s Day, and I should’ve known it was bullshit because he’s already dumped so much money into marketing his unibrow that removing it is tantamount to burning what’s probably a year’s worth of mortgage payments for normal humans.

Grab a pair of tweezers, and pluck the middle part of that mustache off your forehead. Well, maybe wait until after the playoffs. Don’t want to jinx this injury luck.