Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Negro Bowl I: The Black Coaches Guide To Success In The NFL

Illustration for article titled Negro Bowl I: The Black Coaches Guide To Success In The NFL

As you might have heard from a media outlet or two, this is a historic Super Bowl because it features two African American head coaches for the first time. The odds are good that this might be a topic over the next few days.


We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This will run in four installments leading up to the Super Bowl. Here's the second one. The graphic is by the great Jim Cooke, by the way.

Negro Bowl I is upon us, black NFL coach. Do you feel the warm glow of opportunity rising up on the horizon? The streak of 40 consecutive Super Bowls won by a Caucasian coach (tied for the longest streak of any kind in Super Bowl history) is about to be history. And the NFL is nothing if not a copycat league, so I hope you're ready for black being the new white. Melanin's about to be hotter than defensive line rotations and ending anything you say with "[blanks] are who we thought they were!"

So with you in mind, I've composed a five-point manifesto for success in the NFL. There's more than 20 teams out there waiting to sign "the first African-American coach in team history" so let's hit the field and get you ready for victory.

(After the jump, of course.)

Defense Wins Championships

Yeah, I know you know defense wins championships, but you better study it again black man. You can't even get a job in this league unless you're bringing crazy acknickulous D at all times. You should be studying the Cover 2 so hard that when the mailman comes to drop letters in your box, there's a 245-pound linebacker knocking him on his ass before envelope meets aluminum (your mailbox is aluminum right?). "THAT"S INCOMPLETE MAILMAN, TIME TO PUNT!!!" Your house should be a redzone and the milkman should be terrified of dropping off his bottles anywhere near it. If you don't have a milkman, GET ONE, and then SACK HIS ASS! Hire Terry Tate as your personal assistant.

You have a serious legacy to live up to here; Dungy, Lovie, Lewis, Crennel, Rhodes ... they all engineered some of the finest defenses of our generation just to get in the position. So if you want to win, forget offense, get the eye of the tiger, prepare yourself. If you have children, they should be hungry, showing their teeth, barking and crawling on all fours as they stunt their way into the kitchen to blindside your wife or mistress. Then do a "Lights Out" dance on the meatloaf. You were having meatloaf right? DEFENSE BABY!!!

Weight Watchers

It used to be that large distended athletic-training-bag-of-a-belly was emblematic of your commitment to the profession. Obviously you built that gut up while eating Cheetos and milkshakes during "marathon" film sessions. And when you drafted linemen and linebackers, you drafted them large enough so that a group of them could support your weight during a victory celebration.


But those days are gone. The successful black coach is sleek and sexy. No one is going to be shocked when we see Tony, Lovie and maybe Herm (despite the mediocre record) doing Hanes commercials in their tighty-whiteys (also the name for uptight Caucasian GM's who can't give a black man a job). Athletes want to respect you. They don't want to see five whoppers fall out of your shirt when you bend down to show them A-gap technique ... ROMEO.

Your job is no excuse for a lack of respect for your body. It undermines your message at some level ... ART. "Do as I do" is always more effective than "do as I say, while I do these two extra value meals." So eat up at your own peril, but you will need weekly wins to justify the weekly pizza party.


Smooth Jazz Is The New Rock-And-Roll

Do you remember Ray Rhodes? The last black coach of the B.D. (Before Dungy) era, a man who won Coach of the Year in his first season with the Eagles. One of the great defensive coordinators of our generation, here's what the wikipedia says on him: "Rhodes gained notoriety for his no-nonsense approach and unusual ways of motivating his players. One such tactic was an analogy that compared losing a home game to burglars breaking into a man's house and raping his wife."


Ray Rhodes is what we like to call "old school." Unfortunately for Ray, it seems these stuck up athletes are so empowered these days, it's long past the time when you could rape a player's wife and tell him to suck it up and go make some plays if he doesn't want it to happen again. Nowadays it's all about the intellectual smooth jazz, not the in-your-face emotion of rock-and-roll. Dennis Green is a casualty who learned this the hard way this year. Heed the lesson black NFL coach. Your boss is who you thought he was. He will fire your ass.

Got Faith?

You can definitely be inspired to ponder the consequences of godlessness and moral relativism when you see an offensive line coach-turned-bookie like Mike Tice getting head coaching jobs. And when he gets them over highly credentialed Negroes like yourself, you have to wonder about a double standard for character. That's probably why we haven't gotten the real gully African-American head coach yet. If Mike Tice was black, he might have been gunned down, with 50 shots to his head, chest, and playbook, while counting his cash in the back of the locker room.


If you want to be successful in this league aspiring black NFL head coach, find God. Find Him now. If you can't find Him, at the very least find some good Christian PR people to schedule your "all praise goes to God" soundbytes for you. The only person who sermonizes more than a Baptist preacher is a head coach trying to get in the playoffs, so get used to it.

Take Lemons, Make Lombardi Trophy & Gatorade Container Full Of Lemonade

They call Marvin Lewis "Black Jesus" because he drew the wine of mediocrity from the hapless Bungles. They call Tony Dungy "Jesus" because he's actually Jesus and was appropriately fired after resurrecting Tampa Bay. Do you remember how irrelevant the Bears used to be? Craig Krenzel anyone? Paging Mr. McNown please. And to think both those guys might be better than Rex Grossman, HA!


This is not a game, black man; this is Mission Impossible. If you want to be a legend, you not only need to accept your mission before this message self-destructs, you need to seek it out. I'd advise you to go to Detroit and take on the impossible shitstorm that is the Lions. That's a formidable challenge worthy of an aspiring black NFL head coach. Smear Matt Millen's feces all over your face; better yet, smear Matt Millen all over your face. Now don't wipe it off, but through sheer force of will, and rigorousness of your training camp, I want you to transform that poop on your face into a rejuvenating Oil of Olay moisturizer. This is the caliber of transformation we look for from our successful black NFL coaches.

So that's it aspiring black NFL head coach. These Caucasians are who we thought they were!!! Don't let them off the hook. People may want to crown their ass, but don't accept that. You play to win the game! But don't forget to thank your family, and God. Now go wipe that Matt Millen off your face and go get 'em.