The Sports Nihilist: Anything but a Dallas-Philadelphia NFC title game

The Cowboys and Eagles could meet for a chance to go to the Super Bowl, and you want me to write about it? OK…

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Please let these teams lose
Please let these teams lose
Image: Getty Images

It’s odd how many NFL teams I hate despite not technically having an NFL team I root for. And I don’t feel like I’m in the minority on that either. Not the teamless fan part. The “I hate all of these teams” part. I refused to watch Patriots-Philadelphia Eagles and Patriots-Rams Round Two Super Bowls solely because of my hatred for all things New England, all NFC East teams not named New York, and the Rams post-St. Louis.

Who I despise

I don’t want to get too far into why I loathe Philadelphia, New England, Los Angeles, and definitely Dallas because it’s irrational and doesn’t make a lot of sense. But not a lot of sports biases are logical, or need to be explained.

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I hate the fucking Eagles. I somehow hate Dallas more, and if those two teams face off in the NFC title game for a Super Bowl bid, I might lose my job because I’ll refuse to watch it. The mere thought of Jerry Jones smiling makes my stomach churn, so when they show him grinning like he just captured James Bond following a Cowboys touchdown, I get physically ill.

Kind of like that time I got nauseous after seeing an Eagles fan chomp on horse shit because he’s been so deprived of success that he literally thought it tastes like shit. Philly always has some over-emotional coach sobbing after wins and losses and taking it as seriously as Vinnie from South Philly, and it’s a bit much.

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You don’t get to act like a problem child and throw batteries on the field because you care way too much. Being that obsessed with sports is only cute if it’s Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence.

The same goes for Texas. If you told them we’d let you secede from the Union, but only if they abolish football, their brains would explode but not before they tried to shoot you with the nearest handgun. (Which will probably be on their person, so I suggest you pose that question over the phone or via text.)

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If any other fanbases went through the kind of losing that’s defined Dallas since the turn of the century or Philly prior to the Philly Special, we’d think of those franchises as sympathetic figures. Like the Cleveland Browns, the Buffalo Bills, or the Minnesota Vikings. But since we’re forced to talk about these big market organizations even when they objectively suck, even non-Giants fans toast to the day that they’re finally eliminated from the contention.

Why is Philly “special”?

Also, a word on the Philly Special. It wasn’t so mind-blowing that every NFL coach needs to run it in crucial situations in the red zone. Quarterbacks have been sneaking out to catch passes since they invented trick plays. Doug Pederson just caught a heater like that friend who’s only ever gotten lucky in Vegas once, and brags about it even though he’s lost his ass every other trip.

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The Saints pulled off a surprise onside kick in the Super Bowl, and they didn’t feel the need to give it some cute nickname and strut like a mama hen every time another coach tries it. Give it a rest, please.

Counting on San Francisco and New York

The Eagles are touchdown favorites, and Jalen Hurts’ bodyguard Lane Johnson should be back. Too many people trust Brian Daboll, Daniel Jones, and Saquon Barkley right now, and eventually, the horseshoe has to fall out of the Giants’ ass.

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The inevitability of luck — good or bad — also is why I’m nervous about 49ers-Cowboys. I’ll never get tired of watching Dallas commit 17 mistakes on their way out of the postseason. You can set your watch to it. That’s why it’ll be all the more sobering when they do break free from those mental hurdles.

Which is why that can’t happen. It must not happen. I hold nothing against Dak Prescott, Ceedee Lamb, or Micah Parsons — until they put on that star. I don’t even really hate Mike McCarthy. He’s too stupid to really ever dislike. Well, unless you’re a Dallas fan.

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I… we… America doesn’t need both the 49ers and the Giants to win. Just one of them. (Preferably the Giants.) I like my job. I don’t want to jeopardize it because I’d rather lick my Uber drivers’ toes than watch the fucking Eagles and Cowboys play for a chance to go to the Super Bowl.

And I’m grossed out by feet. So, yeah, that’s what we’re facing if Philly and Dallas win this weekend. Random, sweaty feet in your mouth after a long shift with the heat on high.