Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

NFL Update 1: Drinkability!

Illustration for article titled NFL Update 1: Drinkability!

Yes, the ads have become relentless in a Toyota "Saved by Zero" kind of way, and as Big Daddy Drew has already pointed out they don't really mean anything at all, but isn't it time for us to finally give Drinkability Girl her due? I don't know who she is, and I don't care, but if Bud Light's master plan is to get me to drink their product more often in order to stave off dehydration caused from the spontaneous masturbation whenever she appears onscreen, then it's working. But enough about my shameful, shameful habits. There's a whole lot of football to talk about today. Let's get updating! Bears 3, Packers 7 Hey, remember when the Bears had a capable defense that wouldn't allow someone with a wimpy name like Aaron to pick apart their defense? And could stop the run? Yeah. That was fun. Vikings 10, Bucs 6 Jeff Garcia has been passing like a madman, but it hasn't amounted to much yet since they haven't been able to run the ball. The Vikes better savor moments like this before their entire defensive line is suspended for steroids. Giants 20, Ravens 0 In the offseason, Brandon Jacobs commissions a group of bricklayers to come over to his house and construct a 10-foot tall, 2-foot thick brick wall, just so he can plow through it. For fun. Through one quarter of football he has 70 yards on the ground and 2 TDs. That's a good fantasy day. Broncos 7, Falcons 13 This game's kind of fun just from a case study viewpoint: The Broncos are essentially playing with no running backs at all. Not surprisingly, it's not going so well. Chiefs 7, Saints 10 Tyler Thigpen, Tyler Thigpen, Tyler Thigpen, Tyler Thigpen, Tyler Thigpen, Tyler Thigpen! Eagles 3, Bengals 3 The Eagles have been doing what they do best, which is always playing down to their competition. They've kind of become this year's incarnation of the Byron Leftwich-era Jaguars, haven't they? Texans 12, Colts 6 Then again, maybe the Colts are this year's version of the Jags. Lions 13, Panthers 7 Haha. There's nothing better than watching the Lions get their fans' hopes up with a strong first-half performance (Daunte Culpepper looks surprisingly good!) only to know that, somehow, inevitably the wheels will come off. Dolphins 7, Raiders 0 It's comforting to know that in this world of "change" and "hope", some things will never change and refuse to give any hope at all. Case in point, the Raiders.


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