Usually, it’s best to ignore the Twitter feed of a double murderer — sorry, alleged and acquitted double murderer — so a lot of what O.J. Simpson puts online doesn’t catch the eye. “Will it be justice for all?” Simpson asked in the text of a tweet on Thursday, above a two-minute video. Very well, O.J., you got our attention.
And, as it turns out, the video delivers a breathtaking number of double-take moments, just one after another after another. It’s a brilliant piece of commentary that perfectly encapsulates the batshit crazy moment we’re living in. The video starts recapping Wednesday’s events by sharing the story of how O.J. played golf with some friends.
“The topic of conversation was DeVonta Smith, the recent winner of the Heisman Trophy. Congratulations, DeVonta!”
Sure, yes, definitely. Set the scene, man. And certainly Smith will appreciate the well wishes.
“Some of the guys say he’s too small to play pro ball. I say he’s 6-1, 175 pounds. He’s probably the same size as Lynn Swann, and he’s certainly bigger than DeSean Jackson. The guy’s a heck of an athlete, and hopefully he’ll team up with Tua — the Dolphins have the third or fourth pick — I think this guy’s gonna have a big pro career.” Swann was 6-0, 180, while Jackson is 5-10, 175. Fact check: true! Also, the Dolphins do have the No. 3 pick in the draft, acquired from the Texans, though most mock drafts don’t have Miami going for a receiver.
Then, O.J. and friends (who’s friends with O.J. in 2021???) reached “the 19th hole,” and…. PIVOT!
“There it is, Washington, D.C.”
Here we go.
“I gotta say, my first thought was, Olympus has fallen! Where’s Gerard Butler? But as the day went on, it got serious.”
“You know, I’ve been in the legal system, and I’ve had verdicts that I didn’t agree with.”
This man just yada-yadaed a $70 million wrongful death suit for the Crime of the Century.
“But I believe in the American system. I believe in the jury system.”
Yes, it’s why he’s not spending the rest of his natural life in prison.
“So, I felt I had to honor it, and I tried to honor it as best I could, and move on.”
Another spit take.
“I can’t believe that we have people who were trusted and really making the jury system and working in the jury system that’s not honoring the jury system, not honoring the decisions of some of our federal judges. That makes me sad.”
“I watched a guy, in the midst of a felony, sit at the desk of [Speaker of the House Nancy] Pelosi with his feet up, and have the gall to take a picture, and put it on the internet, I guess.”
Yes, that was weird. Also, it’s very weird that the takeaway here was that the guy doing the felony put his feet on a desk and posted a picture online.
“At least the guy that was in the vice president’s chair wore a mask!”
O.J., thank you for the concern for public health, and trying to lower a death toll for once. Or is this about how that particular rioter was “at least” smart enough to cover his face and avoid getting easily ID’d?
“But, I know this. That was a felony. They were destroying property and stealing things, and during the midst of this felony, somebody was killed.”
Wait for it…
“The law is pretty specific about things like that.”
YOU DON’T SAY.
“So, I’m interested to see, is it truly justice for all?”
ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON! You may have been robbed of an Oscar for your portrayal of Nordberg in The Naked Gun, but this is performance art par excellence.
“And what our government is going to do about it. I’m sure it’s going to get pretty serious. I’m just saying. Take care. Stay safe.”
Indeed. Wise words from O.J. Simpson. 2021 is every bit as weird as 2020.