Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

One Day In The Future, Sidney Crosby Will Die For Our Sins

For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy.

What a truly blessed event. Last night marked the first appearance of Sidney Crosby since the MYFO gang has taken the helm of the NHL Closer, and we would be heathens not to demonstrate our reverence for Hockey Jesus. Sidney Christ is fresh off his trip where he successfully spread his ministry to the Western Realms of the Great White North. In fact, his tour of Western Canada was the most eagerly anticipated event in the region since fellow Canadians Bryan Adams and Loverboy teamed up for the "Cuts Like A Knife But Lovin' Every Minute Of It" tour of '86. After a couple of Hail Stanleys, let us move on to the scores.


My God, My God. Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? The Chosen One contributed a paltry two assists in the ass-whipping the Penguins took at the hands of the Philadelphia Flyers last night by a score of 8-2, snapping their four-game winning streak. Joffrey Lupul starred for the Flyers as he got himself a hat trick on the way to a six point night - the first by a Flyer since Eric Lindros. Not to be left out, teammate R.J. Umberger had a hat trick on his way to five points. Tempers flared as the game got out of hand, but amazingly it does not appear anyone from the Flyers will end up suspended. Since this game was nationally televised on Versus, I assume everyone reading this saw the game, right?

The Losing Continues in la ville aux cent clochers Better start praying, Canadiens fans. Montréal continues to struggle on their home ice, losing 3-2 in a shootout to the "road warriors" (3-11-1) that are the Tampa Bay Lightning. The loss makes it six in a row at home for the Habs, who haven't had a six game home losing streak in over seven years. Lightning center Brad Richards shocked the Montréal faithful in the shootout when he buried the game winner with the ease that Drew Peterson buries wives.

I'm No Bilingualist, but I'm Pretty Sure San Jose Translates to Saint Joseph in English. Saint Joseph, the patron saint of workers, was evidently on the side of the Sharks last night as they easily outworked and beat the Minnesota Wild by the score of 4-1. Last night, the Wild were the chubby girl sitting at the bar inhaling chicken wings, sans napkins, while simultaneously giving every dude in the bar the "fuck me eyes", playing the role of slumpbuster for the Sharks, who have been recently struggling at home. Steve Bernier scored two goals in the second period which made it 4-0 and the Sharks never looked back.

Share This Story