Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

One More Poop Story For The Road

Well, it's been quite a day, hasn't it? Big congrats to all you Phillies fans out there. Special thanks to all you readers who shared your Philly stories, and your poop stories. For the record, I got more poop stories. So let it be known that shit still outranks Philly on the popularity scale. Hope you have a drunken, raucous holiday weekend. That's it for my sorry ass today. I have to go eat some Italian sausage and fall into a meat coma. Hope you had fun. Tomorrow AJ will be back (ed.note: Nope! Going to the parade!), hopefully after the jaundice has subsided. I'll be taking over Shutdown Corner for Halloween, so I hope to see you there. I leave you with one final tales of sports poopery from reader OchentaYcinco. Because why the fuck not."April, 2006. I'm tailgating in the parking lot of PNC Park in Pittsburgh with some of my college buddies. We didn't have a car and didn't want to carry a cooler all the way to the stadium, so we filled a garbage bag with ice and dumped a couple cases of beer into it. The game starts, we're still drinking in an empty parking space. Twenty minutes into the game, some soccer mom passes up a few other empty spots to pull into ours, forcing up to pick up all our stuff and move. After she and her two kids go in, my roommate drunkenly decides to exact revenge by taking one of our empty cases of beer and shitting on it. He proceeds to open the woman's gas cap, and uses an empty beer can to shovel his shit into the tank opening before screwing the cap shut. He now has some fecal matter on his thumb, the rest of us are dry-heaving, and we begin walking to the stadium. On the way in a girl recognizes him and runs up to give him a hug. She then introduces him to her younger sister. He pretends to be excited to meet her, screams "Get over here!" and gives the sister a hug, tousling her hair with the hand with shit stains on it. The rest of us looked at each other on the sidewalk by the stadium gate, not knowing whether to laugh or vomit. One of my friends did both." T-shirt visual from Matt Fairchild


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