You're elected president. Being a normal male and notwithstanding your smoking hot First Lady who'll put out for you all over the White House, there are times when you'll need to jerk it, such as when she's fundraising/on the rag/at a diplomatic soiree. The question is, what do you jerk it to? Can you trust whatever top secet computer the Secret Service provides? You have to suspect that some creep at the NSA or FBI or CIA would record all your Pornhub cock and ball domination and squirting requests and use the info to blackmail you. Do you ask your trusted Secret Service guys to go out and buy Sasha Grey DVDs? No. So what do you use? Are JFK's old Playboys and Jimmy Carter's Hustlers stashed somewhere in the Oval Office? Is there a Strategic Presidential Porn Reserve?


I remember when Obama took office, they had to take away his Blackberry because the President can't use any kind of civilian communication device, which means he almost certainly has to use computers and phones issued by the Federal Government that have been made secure to the point of overkill - firewalls, parental blocks, etc. I bet Obama can't even go on The Superficial without a big Presidential seal popping up on his screen and declaring that he does not have access to that website. I think it would be AWESOME if there was a leftover pile of Presidential fap material that was carefully preserved in some kind of high-tech vault: old porn, photos of mistresses in the nude, confiscated CIA tapes of Frank Sinatra banging waitresses, etc. What a goldmine. If this cache doesn't exist, then I don't want to be an American.

I think the President, should he need help, would almost certainly have a couple of trusted friends/aides who would manage to keep things discreet and arrange for the delivery of DVDs/live strippers/magazines or whatever else he needed to get through the night, with an intern to finish off on.


By the way, have you heard about this book from one of JFK's former mistresses?

She says Kennedy once asked her to "take care of" his aide Dave Powers, who had served as the go-between facilitating the affair; she performed oral sex on Powers while Kennedy watched. The president later apologized to both of them.


On another occasion, she wrote, he asked her to do the same for his brother Teddy. She refused.

That is so fucking gross. Imagine hanging out with the President when a drunken Teddy walks in all fat and ruddy, with sweat hanging off his dick, and the Prez is like, "I uhhh er uhh would like you to-ah blow Teddy ovah they-ahhh!" This woman deserves reparations.



As a society, we really trust hand soap, don't we?

/wipes ass
/washes hands with soap and water
/puts in contacts

What kills me is when I walk into a bathroom somewhere and there are instructions to wash your hands for the employees of the joint to follow. I always laugh and think that only a retard would need instructions on hand-washing, but it turns out that I follow NONE of the instructions properly. You're supposed to keep your hands under the sink for, like, two minutes, which I NEVER do. If my hands got wet for two seconds, they're clean. That's my thinking. And you're supposed to wash the back of your hands and lather all the way down to your wrists. Unless I'm about to go transplant a live heart, there's no way I'm ever doing that. I may as well take a full bath in the sink if I'm washing that far.


Sometimes, I'll do a quick wash after taking a dump and I'll be eating a burger later and I'll think, "I wonder if I'm eating my own dung." But the thought quickly passes. Burgers taste good.


Today in Austin I saw a Bentley with a "Don't Redistribute My Wealth, Redistribute My work Ethic" bumper sticker. Man, fuck that guy.




This afternoon I went to the restroom at work to drop a deuce and a guy walked into the stall next to mine and began doing his business. He finished up (I heard the standard plops, the toilet paper being unrolled and torn, etc.) and then I could tell he started to stand up. No big deal. Next thing I know, however, it sounds like the dude is peeing into the toilet from the standard stand-up position. So, it seems like he took a dump, then stood up to pee on it. What the hell is that about? Is this person not capable of peeing while taking a crap? Did he hold back the pee just so he could piss on his log afterward? It was odd. Oh, and then he just walked out. There was no washing of the hands.


If he was fat, it could be that his big fat thighs constricted the flow of urine out of him from a seated position, and that a standing position left the passageway clearer to do his business. Take it from someone who has been overweight: I know the feeling. Sometimes, you get into a public stall and you can't spread your legs as wide as you would like, which means that your peepee is buried underneath mounds of thigh fat, making the idea of peeing while sitting down unpalatable.

Even now, though I lost a good deal of weight, I'll sometimes cap off a growler with a quick stand-and-pee. I have no clue why. There's some leftover urine tucked away in there that refuses to come out until I'm up off the seat. My body makes no sense.



As an old school video game nerd, I have often wondered what video game would be the most fun to morph myself into. I'm talking about actually entering the video game world as a character in the game and it acting as my reality.

Would I want to be some fatso wop plumber in Mario? Taking magic mushrooms and flying around w/ a raccoon tail or riding a dinosaur make things more appealing. Blowing shit up non stop in Contra would be pretty sweet. Spread gun, FUCK YES! Also, I would use the Konami code to ensure I'd survive the dangers of the video game world. On the other hand, completing spectacular high flying dunks in NBA Jam would appease my lack of actual athletic talent.

What game would you want to morph into?

Assuming I can't pick Leisure Suit Larry, I'd be hard pressed to turn down a chance to drive a real Mario Kart, taking every shortcut in Wario Stadium to crush my enemies. Also, I'd be driving that Kart while stoned, which would be incredible fun.


I'd also be pretty jazzed to be reincarnated as Link from "Ocarina Of Time". You get to ride around on horses, play songs that alter time, get into swordfights with giant dragons, and all kinds of fantastical stuff. Also, even though I played that game all the way through back in 1999, I've forgotten a lot of it. This would help refresh my memory. So long as I was allowed to use a cheat book. If I were stuck as Link trying to break into some castle without the right hint, I'd kill myself. Honorable mention to "Castle Wolfenstein" (killing Nazis!) and "Starfox" (I'm in space!)*.

* - I'd never pick GTA in real life because real life me doesn't actually enjoy killing prostitutes and stealing drug money. That's far better off remaining a virtual experience.



What are the chances that a man, married or not, has actually had sex more times than masturbating?


"One hundred percent."

-Mark Wahlberg


I found out today a coworker's newborn son was having surgery. I inquired as to what kind of surgery. Apparently, his son was born without a rectal opening. Curious, I looked it up and found this. Prior to the surgery, I believe doctors made a hole in the side of the boy's body for the intestine to release waste. WHOA!


OH SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS! Boy, should I have not clicked on that link. WARNING: Link contains many diagrams of the ol' stinkeye. They even have a picture of a butthole-less baby, which is WRONG and probably gets lots of play in the Jailbait section of Reddit. Anyway, here is some of the text:

Another name for imperforate anus is "anorectal anomaly."

GREAT band name.

Occasionally infants are not diagnosed until several months of age.

How can you not SEE a missing butthole?! That's gotta be the most negligent parent on Earth. "Oh hey, my son appears to not have an asshole. Oh well (tapes diaper back up)." Terrifying. I'd never want to be born without an asshole. It's not worth being rape-proof.



The funhouse scene in Revenge of the Nerds, where Lewis Skolnick tongue-bangs Betty Childs has always bothered me. It's goddamn rape! Skolnick tricked Childs by wearing Stan Gable's mask. She thought she was banging her boyfriend Gable! Just because she ended up enjoying it and falling in love with the Tri-Lamb doesn't mean it's not rape.

I recently went to an engagement party where, because I am a complete fuckin' weirdo, I brought this rape scene up and took an impromptu poll about whether it was indeed rape. About 1/3 of the people thought it was rape, 1/3 thought it wasn't rape, and another 1/3 just gave me odd looks and walked away. Where do you stand? Is Lewis Skolnick a rapist?


It is awfully rapey. In fact, that entire movie is rooted in creepy behavior. The nerds break into a sorority and hide in the shower (CRIME). They plant surveillance cameras in that sorority (CRIME). And they hand out naked images taken from that footage at the Greek Carnival (CRIME!).

It's a measure of how different things were in the 80's when that kind of behavior was considered playful and humorous. I watched that movie a million times as a kid—to the point of memorizing pretty much all of the dialogue—and I often found myself hoping that one day I'd have the chance to trick a cheerleader into letting me go down on her, then pass around nude photos of her underneath whipped cream pies (shouldn't Betty have been mad about that?). IT MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ME.



Sleep paralysis sucks balls. The last time it happened to me went like this:

My door was open and I looked at my clock and it was just after 4 am. I went to roll over and couldn't, so knowing what had happened to me because I'm so familiar with it I just tried closing my eyes and falling asleep, which I probably did. But I opened my eyes back up (possibly dreaming, still not sure) and since you can't move you get one range of vision, and it appeared that someone was standing over me right next to my bed. I could see half my room, my open door, and what appeared to be a shoulder and long hair. I immediately closed my eyes again and started to hear the mumblings of a young girl, which became loud, violent and clear when she shouted to ask me what I was doing in the house. This went on for what seemed like a few minutes, with the mumbling and the shouting. The other thing of sleep paralysis is that you can't speak, because your muscles are fucking locked up, so all I could do was attempt to scream. Then it felt as tho someone was in the bed laying on my left side, which of course I cannot see because I'm fucking paralyzed. It was then that I started answering her with my thoughts, telling her that I rented the room, asking her what happened to her and why she was doing this to me. That's the last thing I remember. Then I woke back up and it was about 430 am. I got up, sat in my bed and thought about what had happened, chalked it up to sleep paralysis, closed my door and went to bed.

That is one of the more vivid and horrifying episodes I've ever had. I can still recall one that happened to be while I was in HS where I was certain someone was in my house and coming to get me, but I couldn't move. Sleep paralysis is a very terrible thing that I wish on only my worst enemies and people from Britain.