Oregon State coach Jonathan Smith cupping his breasts is oddly soothing

The Oregon State Beavers and coach Jonathan Smith were shunned by their Pac-12 brethren before the season as every school but Washington State abandoned them for greener conferences, and now everyone (but Wazzu) is subject to the ire of Corvallis. On Friday night, DJ Uiagalelei and the No. 19 Beavers knocked off defending conference champ Utah, 21-7, and it’s, umm, evident that Smith is milking every ounce out of his team’s status as chaos agents.

Wow, I never knew a 44-year-old man squeezing his man boobs could be so calming. On a related note: I think I’m lactose intolerant now. As you’d imagine, the fans stormed the field, but it was a little muted as the time clock and play clock were a second off, and fans had to straddle the barrier as Oregon State needed one more kneel down out of the victory formula.

The other reason the scene in Corvallis didn’t turn into absolute scenes is because the fans rushed the field after the Civil War against Oregon last year, and twice in less than a calendar year doesn’t evoke the same enthusiasm. This team was on pundits’ radars coming off a 10-win campaign, and definitely once Smith landed Clemson transfer Uiagalelei.

Hiccups like the one last week against Washington State are going to happen, because shootouts aren’t the QB’s strength (and at least it was to a Pac-12 team). Uiagalelei is good enough to game-manage talented rosters to wins, and the Utes defense simply couldn’t hold up with their starter under center still sidelined, and backup Nath Johnson struggling to complete passes let alone convert third downs.

By the time Utah got into the endzone, it was too late. At 21-7 with five minutes left in the contest, the game was already in the capable, gentle hands of Smith, and his veteran quarterback. They were able to run out the clock, and since I’ve run out of publishable milking jokes, I’m going to kneel out this piece.