Our ass bleeds for Kyrie Irving

Nets bloviator tells world his anti-vax stance cost him over $100M

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Kyrie Irving
Noted anti-vaxxer Kyrie Irving
Image: Getty Images

Athletes being dumb isn’t anything out of the ordinary. It’s been the crux of the matter for sports’ entire existence. With social media and athletes having a giant bullhorn whenever they feel like, without the filter that the media could provide them (imagine Mickey Mantle today), they’re going to feel more emboldened and entitled to share whatever crosses from one ear to the other without much of a rest stop between the two. Because of the size of their following, generally, it’s not much of a surprise when they feel they are the great orators of our time as well as the great entertainers.

It’s when they ask for sympathy for their brain droppings that almost everyone is going to make a face akin to a first Malort shot (look it up, but just know a tagline was “Give your mouth a kick in the balls”).

NBA training camps open this week, which means all the teams are having their media days. This means every star gets a turn, which means that Kyrie Irving has a microphone, which means our o-zone is depleted that much more. And Kyrie wants you to feel sorry for him.

“I gave up four years, 100-and-something million deciding to be unvaccinated and that was the decision,” said Irving at Nets media day on Monday. “[Get this] contract, get vaccinated or be unvaccinated and there’s a level of uncertainty of your future, whether you’re going to be in this league, whether you’re going to be on this team, so I had to deal with that real-life circumstance of losing my job for this decision.”

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Generally, we don’t balk at what athletes make here. It’s what the job pays, pro-labor, they have a shorter earnings window than just about anyone, a bad step could ruin everything in an instant, etc. However, Kyrie missing out on a $100 million extension because he decided that the Wikipedia entries written by confused toads were a way of life isn’t exactly being cursed by misfortune. Cue the Eric Andre shooting Hannibal Buress gif.

The problem with people like Irving mistaking the number of Instagram followers for importance and worth is that these fuckwads never admit a mistake or that it’s even a possibility. Irving still thinks he’s some sort of Che Guevara/Jesus for the anti-science, anti-society crowd, as if they were some underserved and oppressed underground movement instead of finding any one of them on a street corner as they turn society into the dumpster fire that it’s currently careening toward (if we haven’t gotten there already). They already get whatever they want because the rest of us just can’t listen to them anymore. It’s the toddler fashion of arguing.

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Irving is so far up his own ass he’ll never come out again, except unless he goes completely through. In which case he’ll just bend over again to crawl right back up there. Irving will probably still get his money after this season from someone, which just like pretty much every other anti-mask, “cancel culture” dope he’ll miss out on exactly nothing because of the things he’s decrying to his baying following.

Again, the only thing ever asked of Irving was to do something incredibly simple to help protect others, and it wasn’t that his views were more important to him, but that he got to bellow them from his platform and have a few people with the wind whistling through their ears applaud him for it. It was the attention he wanted, and still wants, and now that the tide didn’t turn in a way he thought it should because quite simply he’s famous, he’s going to try the sympathy route.

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Somehow, he’s even less aware of what’s around him than Kevin Durant (making them perfect for each other), as his bubble is so thick that he can’t conceive of anyone not feeling sorry for him.

But when you live in an echo chamber, that’s how the world works. And because some GM will have a checkbook ready when the time comes, he’ll still think he’s right.