Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
It was my freshman year of college and I had started hooking up with a guy, let's call him "J". I frequented his frat often, but always refused to stay over after because of all the awful "walk of shame" stories I had heard. But really though—my fear of doing the walk of shame was so great that even while I was blackout, post-sex sleepy, and practically being pinned down by a large, snoring blonde frat boy on an twin-size upper bunk, I walked several blocks home at 3 or 4 a.m. night after night. One night, I decided I would finally stay the night. Perhaps it was the fact that 12 of us had split several handles of vodka and I was absolutely hammered, but mainly I was just tired of walking home so late at night. I figured, how awful could a walk of shame possibly be?
So I climbed back into J's bed for the night. I guess he was drunker than I thought, because his performance was abysmal. After about 40 minutes of drunken thrusting, I asked him if we should just go to sleep but he wanted to continue. Fine. Finally, an hour and 30 minutes after he first started, he fell asleep on top of me. I slept uncomfortably under the weight of a passed out, drunk frat boy. The next morning, we walked down the stairs only to discover that there in the foyer was the entire freshman pledge class, bored and waiting for actives to come tell them what to do. Apparently J had forgotten that everyone was supposed to convene at 8 a.m. The looks on the face of the pledge class were pure glee while they followed me towards the main doors and stomp-clapped, chanting "Walk those stairs! Walk those stairs!"
Thinking I had escaped the worst of it, I began the walk home but was immediately greeted by sidewalks filled with parents, siblings, and other extended family. I was wearing a tank-top and miniskirt in 60 degree weather, and walk-of-shaming in the middle of Greek Row, on goddamn sorority bid day. And to top it all off, when I returned to my dorm, since it was the end of the quarter, it was also move-out day for anyone who was switching rooms/floors/buildings in the dorm. Of course, their families were there too. Awesome way to end an awesome night.
When I was 20 I was going to college at a very small campus in the middle of nowhere in Maine. There were very few attractive women there, so hooking up was rare. A female friend had her cousin up to visit one weekend, and she was smokin' hot.
My buddies and I were getting ready to go play basketball and she said she'd go watch. She flirted with me the entire walk to the gym, and then back again. Then she asked me if I'd be going to a party that night. She was totally ditching her cousin to hang out with me. We went to the party and talked and drank. She was very talkative.
We make our way back to my dorm room and lie down on my bed. This is clearly going to happen. She starts talking about something first, though, and says something about her homeroom. And then she quickly catches herself. I panicked. "Wait. Homeroom?"
"Yeah, I meant when I was in high school."
"It didn't come out that way. How old are you?"
"Uhh, I'm 18."
"Obviously not." I'm sitting up now.
"Okay, I admit I'm 15. But I've done this before and it's no big deal. I'm hot and you want me. No one needs to know."
That's a difficult argument to overcome when you're buzzed, but I'm glad now that I did.
Good job, Pinto.
It was early into my senior year of high school and my parents were in Vegas for a week. Needless to say I was inviting every girl in the world to my house and I was on one hell of a hot streak. Towards the end of the week I get a phone call from my mom letting me know that the grandpa of a childhood friend of mine had passed away. I hadn't seen the kid since eighth grade so I decided to be a good friend and make an appearance at the wake.
While there, I ran into my friend's little sister Karen, and I decided to really test the streak since I figured I would never see her again. We end up in the parking lot making out and she was giving me the outside the pants hand job. We exchanged numbers and she invited me to her homecoming, to which I said no because my parents wouldn't pay for it.
But our moms talked and next thing I know I am on a Southwest jet flying cross-country to Florida. We go to dinner and I am stuck bullshitting with her friends. One of them had some beer and we began pounding them because he was equally as bored. We get to the dance and I am hammered. In between making out, I am ripping some silent but deadly farts and crop dusting all over the gym. We get back to her house and start going at it in her room. About a minute or two into us having sex, I realize I have to fart again.
I start getting a pain in my stomach from holding it and I decided to let it go since it was silent all night. I do a countdown in my head and then release. It was a rumbler and very loud. Everything came to a stop between me and her and it became silent. Finally after a few seconds, she said, "Just finish and go back to the couch." I took my drunken walk of shame to the couch but lucky for me my flight was the next morning. We haven't seen or talked to each other since.
I worked in the kitchen of a Jewish sleepaway camp a few years back with a bunch of guys I grew up with. This camp happens to be located on an island, so inevitably, the male and female staff members would pair up and hook up all summer.
During one of our staff parties, which is usually where those type of arrangements were fostered, I had my eye on a female counselor named Morgan. My roommate at the time did got the intel that she was into me and everything was set.
During the party, it started raining, so Morgan and I took the opportunity to sneak away from the party. I steered her away from my cabin since I knew my roommate was hooking up there, and we ran to hers.
Since we were both soaked, as soon as we got to her cabin shirts came off and it was on. Just as we were about to get started, another buddy of mine barges in and is clearly belligerently drunk. He's complaining that his roommate is passed out on his bed and he has nowhere to sleep. I run to that guy's cabin and try and move his roommate off the bed, but without success. He's out cold. So I run back to Morgan's cabin only to find that drunk idiot passed out in Morgan's bed. Morgan gives up and tells me that she is going to sleep at her friend's cabin and I never got another chance to close her. Spent that summer fapping while everyone else got laid.