Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

I'd like to go ahead and grant permission for those watching the games alone at home to start drinking. You might be wondering to yourself, "Hey, won't drinking at home alone mean I'm an alcoholic?" No, drinking before noon makes you an alcoholic, but let's not split hairs here. You have a full day of football to watch, and if you have your laptop in tow (as I will), you're among friends. And if you started your weekend early last night with Louisville-Memphis, I'd suggest swishing some suds around in your mouth, if only to wash out that gawdawful taste. And if you happen to be competing for the Deadspin Lightweight Championship of the World, then I'd like to present you with a list of games through which you'll eventually be sleeping. Colorado at No. 16 Kansas. The Mangino Express came back from 20 down to beat USC, um, Iowa State last week. Those of you looking to put a obese, sympathetic face on the argument for a BCS playoff would do well to start with Mangino's; the Jayhawks are 4-1 and would be a fun national tournament entrant, either as a Big XII champ or, ahem, an at-large bid. Purdue at Ohio State. Tressel waited until shitting the bed at Southern Cal before starting wunderkind Terrell Pryor. Clemson's Tommy Bowden waited until after losing on national TV before announcing he would start Willy Korn next week. Frank Beamer had a redshirt on TT before pulling it off the next week. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY DO YOU IDIOTS KEEP YOUR PLAYMAKERS ON THE BENCH ONLY TO PLAY THEM AFTER YOU SHIT THE BED IN A BIG GAME? Think, motherfuckers! Syracuse at West Virginia. Warning! Artificial racism ahead! Minnesota at Illinois. Minny's 5-1. Illinois has a quarterback named Juice! East Carolina at Virginia. Remember when ECU was 3-0 and labeled a "BCS Buster?" Then they dropped two straight. Nebraska at No. 7 Texas Tech. Don't look now, but Tech is 5-0. As for the Huskers, they're not dead yet, but don't expect the Bo Bus to take a win back to Lincoln, either.


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