Prince released two new records this week. And since Art Official Age and PlectrumElectrum (as with all releases from the world's most seductive singer) are loaded with sexiness, it's an appropriate time to attempt to quantify his past sexiness. Let's do this.
11. "Do It All Night"
This is a song called "Do It All Night" from an album called Dirty Mind. It underscores the fact that Prince's career is in line with Bob Vila's, in that they both devoted their lives to helping people pound stuff with hammers.
This isn't your typical Prince-based sensuality; it's more like a throwback to smooth soul singers like Al Green and Teddy Pendergrass put to a Ginuwine-esque beat. Which just means that it's better for lovemaking than fucking. But it's still effective, regardless of your level of emotional investment in your partner.
9. "Sexy M.F."
Because it's nice to pay someone a compliment when you're in the sack. And who doesn't like being reminded that they're a sexy motherfucker?
8. "Dirty Mind"
Like nearly all of Prince's '80s hits, the combination of poppy hooks and suggestive imagery somehow provides both public and very private gratification.
The synth sounds cheesy as hell, but also cheery as fuck. And sometimes sex is the same way; this song anecdotally embodies all the entertaining, amusing, pleasurable, and absurd aspects of boning.
6. "Let's Go Crazy"
The slow buildup here makes you want to slow jam, but once the beat kicks in, it'll make you want to bop all around, inside and out.
This song is like a musical version of the tripled-breasted woman from Total Recall: It's sexy in a sci-fi kind of way. The lyrics prompt existential questions: "Do I believe in God? Do I believe in me?" Especially recommended if you prefer your carnal knowledge to be spiritually enlightened.
4. "Little Red Corvette"
A song that brings the perfect blend of slow shtupping and furious fucking. You cannot listen to this song without letting your horses run free. And no, it is not weird if you scream, "You got to slow down" while losing the ability to contain your excitement.
3. "I Wanna Be Your Lover"
While it's not the sexiest song in the universe, there's no song more fun to fuck to than this. The rollicking, smooth-ass baseline with high-pitched singing is guaranteed to illicit smiles (and so forth).
2. "Purple Rain"
This song is best used as segue into sex. Its tempo is not intended for railing. It's meant for cuddle-fucks. Or post-fuck cuddles.
The initial jangling riff is ideal mood-shifting entrance music for anything: batters stepping up to the plate, a wedding party walking into a reception, a pro wrestler entering the ring, or the dopamine starting to roll.
Image by Michael Ochs / Getty Images.