Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Rating The New NFL Threads From Best to You Gotta Be Kidding Me

We’ve spent a lot of time here speculating on how or if respective leagues could complete their seasons. Or on the complete failure of capitalism. But it’s getting to the end of the week, so let’s try and be more cheerful.

Let’s comment on laundry!

A few NFL teams have unveiled new jerseys for the upcoming season, whenever it will begin. And I’m always anxious to let out my inner Miranda Preistly, so let’s run through them, shall we?

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Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Illustration for article titled Rating The New NFL Threads From Best to You Gotta Be Kidding Me
Screenshot: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
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When you sign Tom Brady, there’s a level of seriousness — or rather taking yourself far too seriously — that your team must rise to meet. And wearing jerseys that looked like a technicolor yawn isn’t in accordance with that. So the Bucs have retro-ed back to their “glory” days of Tony Dungy, Warren Sapp, and Keyshawn Johnson, sprinting toward any camera within the zip code, with the pewter and red look. Which allows all of us to put “pewter” back into our lexicon, which can’t be considered a bad thing. I’d laugh about “glory days” that only constituted one Super Bowl win, but my beloved Bears have been dining out on the same for 35 fucking years now, so I’ll just shut up. It’s not a return to the Creamsicle we all might have hoped for while listening to Fleetwood Mac records, but it’s certainly a step up.

Miranda scale: One nod

Illustration for article titled Rating The New NFL Threads From Best to You Gotta Be Kidding Me
Screenshot: Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta Falcons

The Dirty Birds have also reached for something slightly retro, though with the boring return of going back in black. This harkens somewhat back to the Primetime era of their existence, which was about four stadiums ago. If these jerseys also included Jerry Glanville on the coaching staff with actual six-guns on his belt, then we’d really have something. I guess when you committed the sport’s biggest full body dry heave, you probably should get away from those colors ASAP. Still, going back to the red was also supposed to be something of a throwback to their original look, but as we know, everyone in the South can’t stop looking, or living, backwards.

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Actor Dennis Quaid as Cap Rooney in his all black Sharks jersey from 1999's “Any Given Sunday”.
Actor Dennis Quaid as Cap Rooney in his all black Sharks jersey from 1999's “Any Given Sunday”.
Photo: Getty

But it’s not a total throwback, as the Falcons have enlarged the bird on the helmet and will go mostly with the Any Given Sunday look of all black at home and all white on the road. The monochromatic look is once again a nod to attempting to modernize, while also making everyone just look like dirt scrolling across your TV screen. Again, if your team doesn’t have Steamin’ Willy Beamen (or Cap Rooney) , then all black isn’t for you.

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They also have a red gradient look, which also fades to black at the waist, in case you were looking for something that looks like the alarm lights on the Enterprise.

The Falcons couldn’t resist the urge of putting letters on the front of the jerseys, which has never ever looked good on a football uniform. Not only that, but gave in to the cliche three-letter abbreviation for a city with “ATL.” We now all live in places simply known by their baggage claim stickers, apparently.

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Miranda rating: Shake of the head

Los Angeles Rams (logo only so far)

Wait, we did this.

Miranda rating: Pursed lips

Cleveland Browns

Illustration for article titled Rating The New NFL Threads From Best to You Gotta Be Kidding Me
Screenshot: Cleveland Browns
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Here we go. The Browns unis over the past few years were simply way too busy with the worst colors to be busy with, orange and brown. These are the Browns. This is Cleveland. The Browns jerseys are supposed to look like something you found in the back of the closet in the last minute to go to your pickup game that’s at least 17 years old. Fuck, the whole city is something you found in the back of the closet. Even the skyline looks like it was built by someone who forgot about it halfway through.

So the return to the more simplified look is a welcome one. Gone is the wording on the front of the jerseys (take a lesson, Falcons) and some of the superfluous stripes.

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It’s not perfect. First of all, there are no orange pants, and why would anyone turn down the chance to wear orange pants? Second, the stripes on the shoulders and pants don’t quite get us to the Webster Slaughter era look, but it’s close enough.

Miranda rating: Single nod

Illustration for article titled Rating The New NFL Threads From Best to You Gotta Be Kidding Me
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Indianapolis Colts

The Colts tweaked their unis, with a new font for the numbers in a nod to when they played in Baltimore that the city of Baltimore sure has forgotten about and would prefer the Colts do to. The only other change is a secondary logo, which makes the “C” looks like it has a cold sore. Which come to think of it, is a pretty apt symbol for the state of Indiana in the dead space.

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Miranda rating: Shake of the head

The Patriots and both LA teams have yet to unveil their new looks, but you can be sure I’ll be here to shit on them when they do.

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