Oh, man. This Washington Redskins season. Let this be a lesson to you other teams: if you're not gonna contend for the playoffs, please have the courtesy to implode in the most hilarious manner possible.
For all the drama in places like Atlanta and Minneapolis yesterday, little can top the burgeoning clusterfuck going on in the Washington locker room. First, on the field: The Skins lost to the previously winless Chiefs and noted dickface Todd Haley 14-6 in a game you didn't watch and are glad you didn't. The Redskins played this game with a patchwork offensive line, cobbled together by GM Vinny Cerrato after the original starting line (which SUCKED anyway, mind you), suffered multiple injuries. Dan Steinberg perfectly describes what watching that line was like:
It looked like a cold, wet, smashed hot dog bun that's been run over by a Hummer, stomped on by a marching band, doused with lighter fluid and then smeared onto the side of a porta-potty.
I would still eat just such a hot dog bun. Jason Campbell was benched at halftime of this whale abortion. Meanwhile, coach Jim Zorn was summoned to Cerrato's office after the game and stripped of his play-calling duties, which will totally solve everything. Cerrato did not immediately name a new play caller, instead choosing to discuss who would be the new play caller WITH Zorn today, which is akin to the time Richard Pryor's mother asked him to go out and find a switch for her to beat his ass with.
That new play caller turns out to be Sherman Lewis, who has been out of football for five years and was hired by Washington last week without Zorn's knowledge (though Cerrato has openly lied and said the hiring was Zorn's idea), and without the team having a clear role for him. Lewis was working as a bingo caller in a senior center at the time of his hiring. No one expects Zorn to last much longer. In fact, media speculation is simply focused now on trying to pin down an exact date for Zorn's ouster.
Now, Jim Zorn is a terrible coach who was never qualified for his position to begin with. But that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be treated with some modicum of respect and professionalism. He's a perfectly nice man who is being thoroughly and needlessly humiliated. I remember once taking a job and showing up the first day being told that the person I was supposed to replace was still there, and that they hadn't fired her yet, and that I should pretend I wasn't replacing her until they finally managed to fire her. All the while, the two of us were assigned to do the exact same shit. If you've ever worked in an office, you know jayvee shit like this is done ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But it's still shocking to see it occur at the highest level of sport, orchestrated by someone who somehow managed to become a billionaire.
Indeed, this entire Zorn episode, which has been a monkey-fucking-a-football disaster since it began less than two years ago, is indicative of just how amateurish Dan Snyder can be, and just brutal it's gotten in DC. And DC fans are beginning to voice their blind, searing hatred. FedEx Field was barely half-full yesterday, and the people who were there attended mainly to flip Snyder the bird and/or walk around shouting things to no one in particular:
There's something sort of eerie, walking around a massive asphalt expanse filled with garbage, seeing people mumbling to themselves, or shouting out in anger, or chanting slogans, while listening to a saxophone belt out funeral songs. That's not what sporting entertainment is supposed to feel like, exactly.
"I'm yelling at the whole damn system" screamed Tony Peden of D.C., when we chatted inside the stadium. I found Tony just kind of ambling around the 400-level concourse, yelling. This happens a lot, nowadays.
In many ways, keeping Zorn around is about the only thing keeping the Skins interesting these days. As long as he's around, DC will remain delightfully pissed off about this entire affair, and John Riggins will post lots of videos of himself lecturing the team from a pile of logs.
"Jim Zorn, you are not a head football coach in the NFL. High school? Definitely. You can coach in high school. You can coach my son in high school anytime. Anklebiters, for sure."
I think he just called his son a queer. But I digress.
Once Zorn's inevitably pushed out (along with with Cerrato possibly joining him), and the team begins its funeral march to the end of the year with some temp replacement, the juicy drama will be gone, and all that will remain is the malaise. And Albert Haynewsworth sucking on an oxygen tank like it's a titty. Fun times in DCtown, everyone!
Screencap from Steinz