Photo: Thearon W. Henderson (Getty Images)

Nick Saban treats nearly everyone in his life with maximum contempt at all times. His own fans, the media, the college football playoff scheduling committee—everyone is a target for the Alabama head coach when he’s in a pissy mood, which is about 99 percent of the time. Saban rules by fear, and that high-intensity approach works for him.

But sometimes, it backfires hilariously. According to a report from The Athletic, the fear that Saban uses to manipulate the sport to his whims has also permeated throughout his current staff, which is why none of his coaches were brave enough to tell him that one of his assistants had left the program to take a similar job in Miami:

“Where the F#$% is Dan?!?”

Several of the staffers knew the answer to their boss’ question. Word had already spread that 50-year-old Enos was headed to Miami to become offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach under Manny Diaz. No one in the room wanted to be the one to break that news to Saban, even though Miami was primed to announce it in a couple hours.

“Dan” is Dan Enos, Alabama’s quarterbacks coach this past season and reportedly the man who was set to take over as the program’s offensive coordinator, following Mike Locksley’s departure to be the head coach at Maryland. Enos decided instead that the Hurricanes were a better fit for his talents. Maybe it was this kind of treatment that convinced him to go to Miami.

The details of how Saban found out do paint a great picture:

One staffer scrambled to check if Enos was in his office. It was empty, save for a pencil on the desk. Maybe he’d already moved into Locksley’s old office, but that one was empty, too.

“He moved out like the Colts,” said one person with knowledge of the matter, equating Enos’ departure to the middle-of-the-night exit by the old Baltimore NFL franchise to Indianapolis.

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They had no clue he had peaced out. It’s great! Saban probably hadn’t felt so lost since Justyn Ross torched his team in the title game. For his part, Enos issued a blanket denial of The Athletic’s report:

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To replace Enos, Alabama will now reportedly bring back former Falcons offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian, who took over OC duties during the 2017 National Championship game before heading to Atlanta. Saban might start requiring his staff to get microchips.