The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.


Earlier this season, we met the puck bunnies and the message boards on which they kiss, tell, and generally obsess about NHL players. One of the most popular sites features every team broken down into individual gossip boards for different players. The results are some actual attempts at hockey talk eclipsed by rants about stalking players, ridiculing their girlfriends and, in some cases, posting Photobucket accounts with personal player snapshots online. Now that's some quality hockey anaylsis! Please welcome back the Official Puck Bunny Scouting Reports...

(Again, I must offer this disclaimer: A female hockey fan is not automatically or intrinsically a puck bunny, which is considered a derogatory term by dedicated, informed lady puckheads. It's the ultimate dick move to group them all together, so don't, mmmmkay?)

Advertisement is a site that offers boards for literally every player on every team, and then a sub-forum in which their girlfriends and dating status can be discussed. Much like on the legendary Voy forums, which we featured last edition, there are attempts to have solid hockey debates, heartfelt tributes to players and some generally entertaining conversation...which are then torpedoed by anonymous posters getting their bunny on in some explicit ways. (And again, as image-conscious as the NHL is, it's amazing they let these forums get away with some of this stuff.) With that in mind, here's a look at some of last night's action, annotated with Official Puck Bunny Scouting Reports:

Ottawa 3, St. Louis 2. Good rally from the Senators, beating a Blues team that the Habs couldn't put away earlier in the week. They're still only three points in back of Montreal for the division lead, and are attempting to stay ahead of the Rangers for a four/five match-up against Pittsburgh...because the only one who's owned the Penguins more than the Senators this season is Mario. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Mike Fisher of the Ottawa Senators: The raging debate amongst the bunnies is whether Fisher's Christianity has prevented him from having premarital sex. Or as one bunny sees it: "Mike has had sex, but is a born-again virgin and is now waiting until marriage." I see. Anyhoo, the bunnies on this board have also offered up what they claim is a Photobucket page featuring candid shots of Mike Fisher and friends. Cool times, hot tub.

Montreal 4, Boston 2. I'm sure a New Englander understands better than anyone that the regular season means jack and squat. But if I'm the Boston Bruins I might want to win Saturday's game against the Habs, whom they could meet in the playoffs having lost 11 consecutive games to Montreal. Bruins coach Claude Julien said after the game that "somewhere in that dressing room someone has to have goals in them." I don't know, Claude ... maybe after six months of playing the trap, they're stillborn. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Mike Komisarek of Montreal. I'm pretty sure this is a goof, but I'm also sure Komi wouldn't complain: "he's so intense in bed, i had to stop cuz i was getting a cramp..... i guess i should stop smoking.. mike said that wasnt attractive. im gonna buy those nicotine patches tomorrow and stick it on my vah jay jay."


Vancouver 4, Edmonton 1. Say what you will about the Canucks — and I'll say that I'd rather not see them make the playoff cut — but these guys answer the fucking bell when they need to. After wins against Phoenix and Dallas this week, Vancouver watched Luongo turn back 33 shots and got an unassisted game-winner from Princess Pettinger for the big victory over Edmonton. The Oilers were threatening to become the next unlikely-playoff-team-media-darling; five points back of the eighth spot, Saturday's game against Colorado could mean the season. BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Andrew Cogliano of the Edmonton Oilers. And the anti-bunny forces unite against Cogliano bunnyism! "k everyones got to stop lying about andrew cogliano seriously its sad to see this shit happen thats why they leave edmonton cuz this reason right here saying ppl had sex with him and have his number no thats y they leave so get a life plz..." And with that, the bunnies also found some more Photobucket fun featuring Cogliano, Robert Nilsson and some beautiful body shots.

In Other, Non-Bunny'd Action. Two reasons why Florida lost to Carolina in the skills competition, 2-1: They couldn't convert any of their five power plays despite playing against a killing unit that me, Doyle McPoyle and Afino could score against; and Cam Ward's brilliant save on Olli Jokinen that literally had Jokinen asking Ward "How'd you save that?" after the play ... The Penguins score two goals in 16 seconds to open the third and beat Tampa. Brooks Orpik assisting on a Jarkko Ruutu goal is some kind of scrub/pest nirvana ... Peter Forsberg, since March 4: Four games, two assists, minus-1. He was out again last night for Calgary's huge 2-1 win over Colorado, in a game where Matthew Lombardi drew more penalties than a circuit court sketch artist ... Finally, Nashville (6-3 loss to Detroit) and Phoenix (6-5 skills competition loss to Los Angeles) would like the small of the back, between the ribs, when you stick a fork in them.


Puck Headlines

* Gay hockey fans are fed up at the homophobia at Rangers games at MSG. In other news, Flyers, Devils and Islanders fan can now source the New York Times when calling Rangers fans a bunch of homos. [NY Times]

* Rating some fan-made Stanley Cups. I can't condone using that much tin foil during wartime. [The Empty Netter]


* Hockey Card Porn Alert: Slowly opening a 1992-93 Upper Deck pack, and finding a Peter Sidorkiewicz Ottawa Senators Team Checklist inside. [A Pack a Day]

*Finally, from last night's Vancouver win over Edmonton, will someone please tell Ales Hemsky not to take a dive on the power play? Bad things happen, man...