Yesterday Russia beat Egypt 3-1, and have now formally clinched a spot in the Round of 16 thanks to Uruguay’s victory earlier today. In fact, out of all the teams in this World Cup, it is the host country of Russia—ranked 70th overall by FIFA, behind the likes of Guinea, the Cape Verde Islands, and Burkina Faso—that has scored more goals than any other team. More goals than Brazil. More goals than Germany. More goals than Spain. These are facts. And so the time has come to ask a very important, potentially axis-tilting question:
I’ve been sniffing around this case for a while, sometimes at great danger to both myself and to my personal relationships. Here’s what we know so far:
1. The President of Russia is Vladimir Putin, who is a DICTATOR. Yes, you read that right.
2. Putin is hosting the former FIFA chairman Sepp Blatter for this World Cup. Blatter, if you recall, is still under suspension by FIFA for CORRUPTION. What?! Not only that, his offices were raided by the UNITED STATES JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. Wow. Fuck. Boom.
3. Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics because they were caught operating a statewide doping program for their athletes. Let that sink in: ATHLETES ON DRUGS.
4. One of the teams Russia has beaten since the World Cup began is Saudi Arabia. Despite the fact that Saudi Arabia ranks higher than Russia in FIFA’s standings, they were outscored 5-0*. And lookee here! Who happened to be watching that win with BAD-imir POOP-tin but the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia himself!
Did I mention both these countries are big into oil? FOLLOW THE MONEY.
5. One of Russia’s players, Mario Fernandes, is Brazilian and had already played for the Brazil team, only to switch to the Russian team. Does Mario sound like a Russian name to you? NYET.
6. The other team that Russia beat has defeated is Egypt, thanks in no small part to star Egyptian player Mo Salah being hurt. Salah injured his shoulder in the Champions League final after this brutal takedown from Real Madrid player and certified goon Sergio Ramos. That seems innocuous enough, but keep looking. Follow me, here: Just last year, Ramos vacationed in CROATIA.
Here are some interesting facts about Croatia. It is geographically positioned almost exactly halfway between Madrid… and MOSCOW. It also used to be part of Yugoslavia, an Eastern Bloc country that spent years under the political influence of, you guessed it, Mother Russia. THIS IS BIG. You probably couldn’t pick a better rendezvous point for a soccer player trying to make a secret deal with Putin without kicking up any suspicion over it. Hope that hoverboard ride was worth it, Sergio. No Pasaran, indeed.
7. One of Russia’s goals against Egypt came on an own goal. That’s right: Egypt scored on ITSELF. How often does that happen in soccer? Once every hundred years? Oh, and look at that: the player who scored it, Ahmed Fathi, once REFUSED to transfer back to an Egyptian club because he wanted to play outside his home country. Asylum?
8. Alex Oveckin just won the Stanley Cup. Suddenly Russia is winning lots of sports things! INTERESTING. I mean, what’s next: Putin getting a Super Bowl ring? OH WAIT HE ALREADY HAS ONE.
9. Funny how all the other elite teams in the tournament look sluggish out of the gate, no? Funny how it coincides with Russian Burger King—at Russian Burger King, they have you THEIR way!—offering free Whoppers to any Russian woman who gets impregnated by a World Cup star. Did I mention that Russian women are BEAUTIFUL, and that many men CANNOT RESIST THEM, EVEN WHEN HAPPILY MARRIED, SO TEMPTING IS THE RUSSIAN WOMAN’S LITHE AND PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED BODY AND HER COME HITHER GLANCE?
Guys, it’s not hard to see all these red (OMG!) flags and draw your own conclusions. This is a constitutional soccer crisis, and it’s happening right there in plain sight. All the dots connect. Putin has rigged the World Cup, and once he has his sickening prize, he’ll use its mystical powers to take over the entire WORLD, to fill his coffers with oil and elite potato vodka. He will horde all the sexy international women for himself! You think this is a game? I will fucking DIE to get to the truth of this matter. I will not sit idly by as these Russkies sully the pristine international reputation of football for their own nefarious means! It’s not just soccer teams being relegated. It’s nothing less than THE FUTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE! I hope to hell you bastards face Germany in the elimination round because then ooh hoo hoo it’s Müller Time!
My wife left me.
*Correction: This originally misstated the score of the Russia/Saudi Arabia game as 6-0. It was 5-0.