Satan Gives Lakers Power of Levitation, Western Conference Title

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who says, "The world is looking mighty good to me, because Tootsie Rolls are all I see. Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a Tootsie Roll to me." When he's not loving himself some candy that looks like forest animal droppings, you can find him reaping souls with Kwame Brown at Basketbawful. Enjoy! Who says making a pact with the devil can't go your way? The Lakers began this season a downtrodden, dysfunctional, divided mess. However, they've finished it +1 Pau Gasol, +1 number one seed in the Western Conference, +1 MVP for Kobe (probably), and +1 brighter future than any other team in the league, because they're only going to get better next season when they have a healthy Andrew Bynum. And all they had to do was sell Kwame Brown's soul to the Satan, Reaper-style. Only I bet Kwame thought he was going to be a part of it all. Suckah!

And since the Lakers are living the life of Riley, they got to clinch the best record in the West by playing at home against a Sacramento Kings team that went to war without their top three players: Kevin Martin (right knee), Ron Artest ( cutting off your dog's balls), and Brad Miller (white man's disease). So yeah, Kobe finished up his first MVP season by shooting 3-for-13, but it didn't matter. L.A. still routed Sacramento 124-101 behind Pau Gasol's 22 points (9-for-11) and Lamar Odom's double-double (15 points, 12 rebounds). Quincy Douby had a career-high 32 points for the Kings, who should probably seriously consider selling somebody's soul to The Dark Lord over the summer. (Unless, of course, that's how Mike Bibby ended up in Atlanta.) Not bad, huh? I mean, three seasons ago the New Orleans Hornets went 18-64, and before this season began most experts predicted they'd win around 30 games and finish way out of the playoffs. Yet last night they won their 56th game and clinched the toughest division in the league. After all, the Southwest has four 50-win teams: New Orleans, San Antonio (55-26), Houston (54-27), and Dallas (50-31). To put that into perspective, that division has more 50-win teams than the Eastern Conference does. Impressive ... most impresssive. Chris Paul continued his MVP runner-up season with 22 points (10-for-13) and 12 assists, while the 17-foot Assassin had a game-high 31 points in the Hornets 114-92 win over the Los Angeles Clippers. Al Thornton scored 26 for the Clips. Speaking of bright futures. The Portland Trail Blazers beat the Memphis Grizzlies 113-91, thus ensuring that they'll finish the "Greg Oden preseason" as a .500 team or better. Not bad considering the forecast was all doom and gloom when their new franchise big man went down before the season began. Jarrett Jack led seven Blazers in double figures with 18 points, and Brandon Roy and Channing Frye each added 16. Memphis got 17 points out of Hakim Warrick and a rare 23 minutes out of Brian Cardinal, who's tired of all the sucking. Said Cardinal: "This has been a frustrating season, a long season. We need a win, period." Good luck with that, Brian. Spring break continues in Detroit. The Pistons' bench scored 47 points - counting a 20-spot from Jarvis Hayes - to earn a knockout win over the Minnesota Timberwolves, 115-103. It was Detroit's 58th win, which clinches the second-best record in the league and will give them homecourt advantage in the playoffs against every team except Boston. On the other end of the spectrum, the T-Wolves reached loss number 60 in the first season of the post-Kevin Garnett era despite 30 and 9 from Al Jefferson. And the futures bright, since Theo Ratliff's contract comes off the books this summer, giving them almost $12 million to pursue all the free agents who desperately want to play in Minnesota. Yes, the sound you just heard was Kevin McHale's heart breaking. It's like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan used to say: You should always kick a man when he's down. After all, that's the best possible time to kick him. And after watching his Bobcats squander a 20-point lead and lose to the Nets in overtime, Jason Richardson couldn't agree more. "I think we thought we had them buried in the books, and you can't do that to any NBA team. You have a team down, you have to kick them. In the NBA, if you don't kick them, they are going to kick you. That's what they did. They got a lot of energy, they got their fans into it, they wanted to win their last home game." Richardson did his best to stick his foot in New Jersey's collective butt by scoring 31 points and grabbing 10 rebounds, but he was outdueled by Richard Jefferson, who had 28 points, threw down a nasty dunk that bloodied Emeka Okafor's nose, and hit a jumper in overtime that put the Nets ahead for good. Way to finish strong, Atlanta. The celebrated their first playoff berth since 1999 by getting blown out at home by the Orlando Magic, 121-105. Seven magicians scored in double-digits, with Maurice Evans (27 points) and Hedo Turkoglu (17 points) leading the way. Sure, Orlando had already clinched the Southeast Division and the number three seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs, but Stan Van Gundy still likes to go into somebody else's house and bust 'em. Said Van Gundy: "If they're keeping score, I want to win. I don't care, exhibition game or anything else. If there's a scoreboard, I'd rather be on the right side of that. Now, I wasn't going to sacrifice everything for that. I wasn't going to play guys 40 minutes or whatever. But we want to win." Bad enough to sell somebody's soul to Lucifer like the Lakers did, Stan? Because I'm looking down your bench at Pat Garrity and thinking you could be the top team in the East next season if...