Scalper's Night Off In The NBA

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who knows that dunking cheerleaders can help make the pain go away. When he isn't enjoying the fine art of the dance, he can be found doing the Funky Cold Medina at Basketbawful. Enjoy! • Run! It's Shaq!! On Sunday, The Big Cactus flattened three full rows of Suns fans by leaping into the crowd while going after a loose ball. Last night, he freaked out the Phoenix bench by running at them before pulling up short. The way the Suns players and coaches jumped out of the way, you would have thought that Shaq was a flying, three-headed shark. And on fire. Shaq's faux stampede was the most exciting part of the night, as Phoenix ran out to a huge lead, went up by 39 twice in the third quarter, and eventually coasted to a 132-111 win over the Memphis Grizzlies. Amare Stoudamire scored 29 points and grabbed 13 boards for the Suns, and Rudy Gay tossed in 20 for the Griz.

• This just in: Nick Young is not just a "dunker." Rookie Nick Young scored a career-high 22 points in the Washington Wizards' 105-97 win over the Milwaukee Bucks. And he wants some respect. Now. "I'm tired of (teammate) Brendan Haywood calling me a practice dunker and all kinds of stuff. So it was my way to kind of show them that I belong here - and I can jump a little bit." Young was so into the game that he actually went after Bucks' center Andrew Bogut after a dunk, only to be swatted like the fly he is. So don't get too excited there, rookie. Antawn Jamison got into the act by scoring another 23 for the Wiz. Mike Redd had 26 for Milwaukee.

• Mike Dunleavy Jr. pulled a Willis Reed. Seriously. After hurting his ankle and getting helped off the court in the first half, Dunleavy made a stirring second half comeback and scored 32 points, leading the Indiana Pacers to a 114-107 win over the visiting Seattle SuperSonics. That's the kind of "Holy crap, I can't believe it!" craziness that can cause delusions of grandeur. Which is exactly what happened. Said Indiana coach Jim O'Brien: "We believe that we're in a playoff race. We lost three games in a row and gained ground. I don't know how you do that, but we did." That's called Eastern Conference physics, Jim. For every action, there is an equally crappy reaction by another lousy team. Meanwhile, Mikey explained to the press how he did what he did. "I relied on my jump shot and it didn't let me down." Hey, there's a first time for everything, right? • Nate McMillan wanted a leader. Well, he got one. Brandon Roy had 27 points and 9 assists, and led the Trail Blazers on a 12-2 run that helped his team notch a 103-96 comeback win over the Minnesota Timberwolves. LaMarcus Aldridge chipped in 20 points, and Joel Przybilla added 10 rebounds for Portland. The T-Wolves got 20 out of Al Jefferson and another 15 from, uh, Craig Smith? Is that his name? Yeah, Craig Smith. Also, Minnesota's team slogan for the last 20 games? "Let's Build It!" That sure beats the slogan of "Let's Suck It!" they were using earlier in the season. • It's a trap! Good teams must always beware The Game You Are Supposed To Win. Utah didn't, and they lost 108-96 to the Bulls because of it. I mean, that's what happened, right? The Bulls weren't rallying behind Chris Duhon-gate. Were they? Said Chicago coach Jim Boylan: "When people question our team, I respond that we have guys in the locker room with a lot of character who care about their craft and work at it. The guys were hurt the last couple days. There were a lot of things swirling around our team, and no one likes to see that stuff in the paper. This is a basketball team, not a soap opera." Huh. Could have fooled me. Mehmet Okur continued his hot streak with 22 points and 18 rebounds, and Deron Willams added 20 points and 10 assists for the Jazzercizers. Drew Gooden's beard had 24 and 10 for the Bullies, and Larry Hughes shot 4-for-11. So, you know, some things went according to the script. • League MVP leads his team to win. Kobe Bryant, who has already been named NBA MVP with just under 20 games left in the season, scored 10 of his 34 points in the final eight and half minutes in the Lakers' 117-108 win over the Toronto Dinosaurs. "I'm happy the league decided to give out the award early this season," said a jubilant Bryant. "Gives me time for a few victory laps, you know? Vrroooooom!" Not everybody was happy for Mr. Bean, though. In fact, Toronto coach Sam Mitchell was sucking on some sour grapes. Meanwhile, Toronto coach Sam Mitchell's gameplan was to keep the Lakers out of the paint and off of the freethrow line by letting them shoot threes. Yeah, that didn't work; the Lakers hit 15-for-32 from Three Land. Memo to Sam: You need a new plan. These dudes can shoot the rock.