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Scotland National Team Manager Wants Big Scots To Hump And Make Tall Players

Photo credit: Ian MacNichol/Getty
Photo credit: Ian MacNichol/Getty

Gordon Strachan, manager of the Scotland national soccer team, has given lots of thought to what exactly is plaguing his native country’s soccer. Insufficient funding? His own bad coaching? The natural limitations of a nation of only about five million people? All minor issues by Strachan’s reckoning. The real problem is the lack of eugenic-minded fucking on the part of Scots, who aren’t making ‘em as big and strong as they used to.


Scotland were mathematically eliminated from World Cup qualification this weekend after drawing 2-2 to Slovenia. Slovenia’s scoring came by way of two Roman Brezjak set piece goals, and the manner in which Scotland gave up those goals inspired Strachan to unveil his race science takes in the post-match press conference. The Telegraph has the quotes:

“Genetically we are behind,” [Strachan] said. “In the last campaign we were the second smallest, apart from Spain.

“We had to pick a team to combat the height and strength at set-plays. Genetically we have to work at things, maybe we get big women and men together and see what we can do.

“But it is a problem for us because we have to fight harder for every ball and jump higher than anyone else.

“Nobody can tell me their technique, apart from one player, is better than any of ours. But physically we have a problem. We seem to be able to battle it and get through just with sheer determination and skill and work-rate. And that takes a lot out of you.”

Strachan harped on the size point again later, saying that he consoled his disappointed players by telling them they did about as well as could be expected against a “physical side” with “bigger lads who are 6ft 2in or 6ft 3in.” Brezjak, by the way, is 5-foot-10. It is unclear whether or not Strachan will be in charge long enough to implement his strategy of getting all the huge Ewans and great big Maisies start boning in order to churn out some massive Calums.