Screw You, And Screw Your Man Card

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

I don't know who invented the phrase "Turn in your man card," but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band. Every Sunday, I'm now subjected to some goddamn Miller Lite ad where the guys in it are like, "ZOMG! You're drinking a generic light beer? YOU'RE SUCH A FAG! Turn in your man card, faggity fag fag!"

As if drinking Miller goddamn Lite is somehow a manly endeavor. This shit needs to stop. There's no such thing as a man card. If there were, it would be the single most douchetastic thing in the history of the world. Darren Rovell would keep 12 of them in his money clip. Advertisers and film studios love to exploit the whole supposed male identity crisis they think America is suffering through right now. What's that? You won't drink Miller Lite? DURRRRR THEN I GUESS YOU'RE JUST A WALKING VAGINA DURRRRR BUY OUR SHIT.

No. Fuck you. If I want to drink some piss warm generic light beer, I'll do it. If I want to take a tandem bike ride with Peter King and enjoy a citrusy Shock Top while watching the sun set, I'll do it. You want my man card? Take it. COLLECT ALL OF THEM. You get enough man cards and I bet they'll give you a $10 rebate at the Ed Hardy Shop. I don't need it. I'm not a real man. I listen to Snow Patrol. I drink rum and Diet Cokes. I like a good number of Hugh Grant movies. I don't give a shit. I do what I fucking want, which should be the first and last stupid retarded "man law" ever. Everything else is superficial bullshit.


Next time someone tells you to turn in your man card, reward them with a boot to the teeth and a shit on their porch. And never drink Miller Lite. It's dogshit.