The Miami New Times has taken on the admirable pursuit of making every single word that Shaquille O'Neal has ever typed or written available to the public. Through their work, we'd previously learned of Shaq's infidelity, his infidelity, and also his infidelity.
Today the New Times released his '04 application to work with the Miami Police. Shockingly, there's no more infidelity here—but we are made privy to Diesel's "special skills" ("Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance"), as well as his greatest hopes and dreams. There's even a little bit of self-psychotherapy thrown in.
In 2004, after he was traded to Miami, Shaq applied to be a reserve officer with the Miami Beach police force. He'd done the same thing in Los Angeles, and the application in Miami was really nothing more than a formality—the department wanted him on board.
Still, he had to fill out the forms just like the common folk: He listed his substance abuse history (it's been blacked out in the released records), his former employer ("Job title: NBA center"; "Description of duties: Everything"), and he even got character references from his neighbors, including Gloria Estefan. Before he was approved, Shaq also had to sit through a home interview with two detectives. That's where he got real:
What is the best memory you have of your life up to this point?
All dreams have come true.What is the worst memory you have of your life up to this point?
Messing up so much that he thought parents didn't love him.What do you feel are your weakest qualities or personality traits that you would like to improve on in order to be a more effective police officer?
Don't express myself when he feels he should. His father was a Drill Sgt. who taught him to keep everything in.
A tortured soul, indeed—although over the years, he has certainly found a way to express his needs.
Shaquille O'Neal's Miami Beach Police Personnel File Is Full of Hilarity, Lies [Miami New Times]