Simon Avoids The Hoosegow, And Other NHL True Crime Stories

Look, if your average office cubicle dweller went looking for trouble with a hockey stick down at Dunder-Mifflin, things would probably have turned out differently. Dwight taking a hack at Kevin's neck with a large, ax-shaped weapon most likely equals jail time. Chris Simon doing basically the same thing to Ryan Hollweg, well, it's a 25-game suspension, mister. And you can just forget about using the car this weekend. Simon, the New York Islander with the graceful, arching swing, will not face criminal charges for doing his Jason Voorhees impression on the Rangers' Hollweg on March 8. So says the Nassau County District Attorney.

Hollweg, who needed a few stitches on the chin but was not seriously hurt, met with prosecutors from Rice's office last week but told reporters afterward that he didn't think Simon should be arrested. "It's my opinion and that's how I wanted to deal with it. There's certain things you can't do on the ice. There's a line that's drawn and people can cross that line, but in my case, I didn't want to press charges."

Had the stick landed an inch or two lower, however, that quote would have been a little different. Something like "Urgggghhh. Ahh, Mehfff? (May I have more strained beets?)" Meanwhile, Nashville's Jordin Tootoo was suspended for five games by the NHL for punching out Dallas defenseman Stephane Robidas on Saturday. Robidas was carried off the ice on a stretcher, unconcious, and was taken to the hospital with a concussion. For this Tootoo received a double-minor for roughing. We love hockey.

No Criminal Charges For Islanders' Simon [MSNBC] NHL Suspends Preds' Tootoo 5 Games For Punch [MSNBC]