Soccer Page 189 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Nobody Has It Better Than Liverpool
Along the vast spectrum of possible states a soccer club could exist in, there is a vanishingly small patch that, for my tastes, qualifies as ideal....
Defense Won Liverpool The Champions League
In the end, all it took for Jürgen Klopp and Liverpool to finally win a final was one more clean sheet. For all the focus on Liverpool’s vaunted front three of Mohamed Salah, Sadio Mané, and Roberto Firmino, for all the hype surrounding their attacking fullback duo of Andrew Robertson and Trent Alex...
Zlatan Assists Zlatan For A Typically Stupendous Zlatan Bicycle Kick Goal
Zlatan Ibrahimović has been consistently Zlataning since coming to MLS, scoring 32 goals in 38 games, but it’s been a while since his last truly memorable Zlatan moment. Possibly in recognition of this relative drought, Zlatan pulled off a spectacular Zlatan on Sunday, with a Zlatan-y sequence of sk...
Neymar Denies Rape Accusation, Releases Texts And Nude Photos Sent Between Him And Alleged Victim
Hours after allegations that Neymar raped a Brazilian woman in Paris came to light, the soccer superstar posted a video on social media in which he denied the accusations and claimed that the woman had tried to extort him....
Neymar Accused Of Raping A Woman In Paris
A Brazilian police document obtained by the Associated Press says Paris Saint-Germain forward Neymar has been accused of raping a woman in Paris last month....
Liverpool Deservedly Win A Rather Dull Champions League Final
In an otherwise uneventful match that was bookended by two Liverpool goals, Jürgen Klopp’s side defeated Tottenham 2-0 for the club’s sixth European title. Mohamed Salah got the Reds on the board early after a very Spursy gaffe gave Liverpool a penalty less than 30 seconds into the game....
Tottenham Couldn't Go 30 Seconds Without Punching Themselves In The Dick
Not even 30 seconds had passed before Tottenham decided to turn up their Spursiness and put themselves in a goal-sized hole against Liverpool in the Champions League final. ...
Spanish Soccer Icon José Antonio Reyes Killed In Car Crash
Jose Antonio Reyes, former Sevilla, Atlético Madrid and Arsenal winger died in a car crash on Saturday. Sevilla, Reyes’s boyhood club, confirmed the news of his passing. He was 35....
Antonio Conte Is Going To Inter To Overthrow The Juventus Empire He Helped Create
The main challenge for the ambitious clubs of Italy is as evident as it is daunting: to try to bring an end to Juventus’s nearly decade-long Serie A reign. Things like qualifying for and making a run in the Champions League are important, as is success in the domestic cup. But all of it must be subs...
South Korea U18 Squad Apologizes For Pretending To Urinate In Panda Cup Trophy, Enraging Chinese Fans
South Korea’s U18 squad was stripped of an international tournament title on Wednesday because of online backlash over photos of the team celebrating with the competition’s trophy in an “indecent” manner....
Large Norwegian Teen Scores Nine Goals In One Game In U-20 World Cup
This is Erling Braut Håland. The 6-foot-3 Norwegian is 18 years old, and he looks like a lock to be cast as Thor in the certainly forthcoming Teen Avengers movie. He also scored nine times in today’s game against Honduras in the U-20 World Cup as Norway romped to a record-breaking 12-0 win....
England's FA Hopes Internet Shaming Will Prevent The Lads From Acting Like Absolute Knobs
The most recent instance of English lads descending on the Iberian peninsula for a soccer match ended up making international news after a Brit shoved an old man into a fountain. So it makes sense that England’s Football Association would want to stop any such debacle in its tracks as the Three Lio...
Mesut Özil Has Become Arsenal's Most Expensive Liability
As he walked off the field in Baku during Arsenal’s embarrassing performance in the Europa League final, the relatively paltry numbers of Arsenal fans in attendance serenaded Mesut Özil with boos. Özil had just put in yet another lackluster performance in a big game for the Gunners, showing once aga...
Spanish Soccer Team Celebrates Promotion With Awkward Postgame Strip Tease
With their season-capping win on Saturday, soccer club Esportiu Llançà won promotion from Catalonia’s third division (Spain’s seventh tier overall) to its second. To celebrate the team going up, one of the club’s board members arranged for a stripper to enter the locker room after the game and drop ...
Eden Hazard Leads Chelsea's Thumping Of Arsenal In Lopsided Europa League Final
It’s probably not surprising that the Europa League final—a match rife with controversy, low attendance, and teams traveling halfway across the world—was a snoozefest, but good God, was this boring. Chelsea beat Arsenal 4-1 to claim the club’s second Europa League title, lifting a trophy that means ...
Liga MX And MLS Will Compete For A New, Meaningless Trophy
Starting in July, MLS and Liga MX will compete in a new, eight team, single elimination competition to crown the best club in Mexico and the United States (Canada can go fuck itself unless Toronto, Vancouver, or Montreal qualify for the tourney, I guess). At least, that’s in theory what is being pit...
Daniele De Rossi Was Roma, Until The Very End
Daniele De Rossi’s Roma career ended with a fittingly meaningless win in front of his adoring fans. More than any other player in this current era of the Giallorossi, De Rossi symbolized the duality of the team’s good-but-not-quite-good-enough nature. In his 17 seasons at the Italian capital, De Ros...
78 Seconds Of Batshit Argentine Soccer Features Violent Tackles, Tears, Unconscionable Flopping
Argentine soccer is plagued by a bullshit macho culture where the biggest sin is losing and the biggest virtue is lunging about, heedlessly throwing your body into as many opponents as possible to prove how large your testicles are. For a short clip demonstrating the anarchic, violent, dive-y style ...
Aston Villa Are Returning To The Premier League
Aston Villa have made their way back to the Premier League after defeating Derby County 2-1 at Wembley in the Championship playoff final. The club joins Norwich City and Sheffield United as the three clubs heading to the top flight and replacing Huddersfield Town, Fulham and Cardiff City....