Soccer Page 231 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Cristiano Ronaldo May Be Butt In La Liga, But He's Still Good In The Champions League
Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo ranks second in La Liga in shots taken per 90 minutes. Ahead of him is some dude named Andrew Hjulsager, who has made two substitute appearances for Celta Vigo. In that time Hjulsager has amassed 12 minutes and fired off a single shot, giving him a 7.5 shots-p...
Crazy Russian Lady Slaps Carles Puyol In Face With Big Ol' Dildo
Retired Barcelona legend Carles Puyol expected to fiddle around with an assortment of (plastic) balls when he participated in last week’s World Cup group draw in host country Russia. But what he could not have expected was being accosted by a lady telling him “I want to fuck you, I have so big dick,...
Norwegian Cup Winner Fucks Trophy
Lillestrøm won the Norwegian Football Cup yesterday, with a 3-2 victory over Sarpsborg, and defender Aleksander Melgalvis celebrated very enthusiastically—by taking all his clothes off onstage and then placing his dick inside the trophy, so as to keep things modest. ...
Praise Soccer Jesus: Sunil Gulati Will Not Run For Re-Election As U.S. Soccer President
Sunil Gulati, the U.S. Soccer Federation’s president for the last 12 years and the man who presided over the worst debacle in American soccer history, has told ESPN that he will not seek to retain his position in February’s election. This is good news!...
David de Gea Beat Arsenal All By Himself
Manchester United beat Arsenal this weekend by a 3-1 scoreline that totally belied the action on the field. United didn’t really deserve to win, in the sense people mean when they say teams that impose their will on their opponent by doing lots of good things while preventing the opposition from doi...
Stoppage Time Winner Sends Chapecoense To Copa Libertadores One Year After Plane Crash
One year after losing 19 of its players in a plane crash that killed 71 people, Brazilian club Chapecoense clinched qualification to the Copa Libertadores—the South American Champions League—with a last-second stoppage time winner scored by Túlio de Melo....
Serie A Keeper Scores Ridiculous Stoppage Time Goal On Flying Header
AC Milan had a 2-1 lead on last place Benevento in the 95th minute today, with Benevento setting up for a free kick deep in Milan territory. You know what that means: the underdogs pulled keeper Alberto Brignoli forward to load up the box. And is there any way I would be showing you this video if Br...
Here Are The Groups For The 2018 World Cup
It’s been three and a half years since the last World Cup, and after a long wait we’re tantalizingly close. Now we have something real to look at until the summer after the teams that made the tournament were drawn into their groups today:...
Wayne Rooney Scored From Half Field And Maybe Saved Everton
Everton came into today’s game in 17th place in the league and only two points ahead of their opponents, West Ham. A loss would have sunk them into the relegation zone and extended their run of trash performances. They won 4-0, thanks to a goal from Ashley Williams (who is still butt) and a hat tric...
No, The USMNT Will Not Be Replacing Peru In The World Cup
Maybe you have seen this rumor circulating recently: Peru, the last team to earn their spot in the 2018 World Cup, might be passing a law that would disqualify them from participating in the World Cup, and like some dismal, shameful Christmas miracle, your very own U.S. Men’s National Team might rep...
Marouane Fellaini And New Balance Headed To Court Over Allegedly Shitty Cleats
Marouane Fellaini is suing New Balance for £2 million in damages after the shoe brand prematurely terminated his contract, which the company said it did because Fellaini wore the shoes without the logo, which Fellaini said he did because the shoes were pieces of crap that hurt his feet, and the logo...
Antoine Griezmann Smacked In A Very Pretty Bicycle Kick Golazo
Atlético Madrid face an uphill battle to qualify for the next round of the Champions League, and though they have a slim chance to advance, they put their best foot forward today, beating Roma 2-0. Antoine Griezmann, who hadn’t scored for Atleti since September, banged in the opener by going all ups...
Roberto Firmino's No-Look Goal Is Cold As Hell
Now this is just about as cheeky as it gets:...
Opposing Goalkeepers Spend Game One-Upping Each Other's Tremendous Boners<em></em>
Saturday’s Sunderland vs. Millwall match finished 2-2, and all four goals were scored thanks to an array of increasingly mind-boggling goalkeeper boners that almost beggar belief. This is either the worst example of high-level goalkeeping ever, or an impressive display of just how shameless match-fi...
Tony Pulis Has Once Again Lost His Job For Being Too Good At It
When Tony Pulis was named West Brom manager back in January of 2015, the club gave him a single task—one he’s demonstrated for years to be better at accomplishing than practically anyone in English soccer: keep the team in the Premier League, and make sure they stay there. In his just about three ye...
Arsenal Remind Everyone They Can Still Be A Force To Be Reckoned With
I can’t tell if it is an overly harsh reaction to what was a commanding performance in one of the biggest matches of the season so far, or if it is instead a perfectly justifiable reflex in light of this club’s constant yo-yoing between underachieving and ascendency, but the main feeling I was left ...
English Eighth-Tier Player Scores First-Class Golazo
Danny Dubidat plays for Alvechurch FC, way down in the “Northern Premier League Division One South,” which is level eight on the massive English soccer pyramid. No matter where you are, though, anyone can get a shot at glory....
Algerian National Team Coach Screams At Reporter, Tells Him To Retire
The Algerian national team played a friendly against the Central African Republic this week. The 3-0 win for Algeria suggests a rather boring affair, but there was plenty of action after the game....
Peru Beats New Zealand, Becomes Final Team To Qualify For World Cup
Peru defeated New Zealand tonight, 2-0, to qualify for their first World Cup since 1982 and complete next year’s 32-team field....
American Soccer Needs To Burn To The Ground
It’s hard to think of a single day that better encapsulated the pitiful state of American soccer culture than yesterday....