Patriots head coach Bill Belichick showed up to his press conference this morning sporting a shiner above his left eye. He didn’t bother to explain how he got it, so we’ve come up with a few educated guesses.
- One of the hobos he regularly murders for sport actually fought back.
- He was playing catch with Tom Brady with an over-inflated ball.
- Tom Brady snapped at him when he tried to pull Brady’s face out of a bag of dog treats he left lying around.
- That’s actually his natural skin color, due to the fact that his dark soul is rotting his body from the inside out, and he just forgot to apply makeup to that spot today.
- Some weird sex thing.
- Got scratched by a cat.
- Pressed his eye onto the eyepiece of the telescope he uses to spy on his neighbors a little too hard.
- Didn’t move the stone slab all the way off his sarcophagus when he woke up this morning.
- He rubbed his left eye too hard during his nightly 43-minute private sob session.
- He fell down.
- The Incantation of the Dead, as spell that has kept his lifeless, eternal corpse animated for a millennia, is starting to wear off.