Photo: Alex Wong/Getty

If you’re in South Carolina on Super Bowl Sunday and you hear the national anthem start, stand up and yell every last word, or else the patriotism police will take you to the office of Governor Henry McMaster for a spanking. Today McMaster issued a proclamation, which means nothing, that everyone in his state should stand for the national anthem during the NFL title game, “wherever you watch.”

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Do not tell McMaster, who refused to renounce his membership with an all-white golf club when he took office, that you were on the toilet during the anthem. Do not miss a word, or hum a single bar off key, or else the troops whom you PRETEND to RESPECT will make you say sorry to McMaster. Also, do not interrupt him while he fucks the flag. Thank you.