Stick All The Forks In These Losers

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Photo: Nick Wass (AP)

The Nationals got smoked Sunday afternoon, at home, by the garbage Marlins. Jose Ureña—yes, that fucking guy—pitched a dominant two-hitter for his first career complete game. Ureña, by the way, on top of being a shithead, is bad! He came into the game with a 3–12 record, and a crummy 4.74 ERA, and an also crummy 4.18 FIP. He is bad.


Ureña has allowed fewer than four earned runs twice in his previous six starts, and one of those came in his last start, when he threw exactly one pitch before being ejected. The other? July 29, when he pitched six innings of pristine one-hit baseball against these lousy-ass, fraud-ass, should’ve been disassembled at the trade deadline-ass Nationals. Incidentally, that was also Ureña’s first win since June 15.

Twice this season the Nationals have temporarily averted the forking they’ve so richly deserved. Once, after Max Scherzer called a players-only meeting and tore into his crummy teammates, the Nationals dominated a four-game series over these same putrid Marlins. The second time, immediately after the trade deadline, and after a period of playing like crap, the Nationals went out and pummeled the shit out of the execrable Mets. Both developments offered hope that this disappointing team might figure out how to play consistently good baseball for more than a game or two at a time, and also the NL East blows, and so everyone put off declaring these fuckers dead, even though those flashes were against awful baseball teams.

Now they are dead. The Marlins—the Marlins—roundly thumped their asses Sunday, by a score of 12–1, giving Miami their first series win in Washington since 2014. The Fish exploded for 17 hits, including 10 for extra bases. The Nationals, meanwhile, with all of Adam Eaton, Bryce Harper, Anthony Rendon, and Daniel Murphy in the lineup, had as many errors (two) as they did hits. Gio Gonzalez was chased by the likes of Austin Dean and Isaac Galloway, and another Nats reliever gave up four runs in the late innings. The Nats are now a game below .500, and seven games behind the Braves and Phillies in the division, and are far closer to the bottom of the National League standings than they are the top.

Here is first-year Nationals manager Davey Martinez—who surely is a dead man walking, at this point—trying to put on a brave face after this farce:

In all honesty, it was an ugly game, and everybody saw it. It was also the end of the part of the year where anyone could reasonably hope for a Nationals turnaround. They are crud. Throw them in the garbage, immediately. Now let us enjoy together this video of a man who just last week united all baseball fans in revulsion celebrating a dominant complete game victory over the disgusting Nationals:

Good. Get these assholes out of my face, forever*.

*Unless Stephen Strasburg pitches brilliantly against the Phillies next week. That could be just the kind of jumpstart the team needs!