How to hate-watch Super Bowl 57

Patrick Mahomes used to be the Steph Curry of the NFL, but this reeled-in version takes what the defense gives him, orchestrates long-drawn-out drives and shovels Pop Warner throws to Jerick McKinnon instead of lobbing up YOLO teardrops into Sammy Watkins or Tyreek Hill’s buckets.

Our lizard football brains want the less calculated Mahomes. A more methodical Mahomes is more boring than Andor. Sure, he’s grittier and building to a grand finale, but we’ve been conditioned to a sleeker Chiefs passing attack. He’s too scared to throw on 2-deep safeties. Dan Marino wasn’t a punk. At least Jackson Mahomes isn’t afraid to be himself. Swashbuckling Mahomes we know and love needs to make a comeback in this Super Bowl.

What does he actually do besides behave like a Jersey Shore cast member on the sidelines? He was hired by the Eagles after three seasons as the Indianapolis Colts offensive coordinator who didn’t call plays for a middling offense. Mission accomplished, right? Wrong.

Sirianni was out of his depth in his first six weeks, going 2-4 until he handed play-calling duties off to offensive coordinator Shane Steichen. In a few years, the Eagles are going to make the same mistake as the 2016 Falcons who lost superstar coordinator Kyle Shanahan to San Fran by sticking with his middle manager boss, Dan Quinn.

This team is such an illusion. We only know who Miles Sanders is because he won’t stop mentioning how Saquon Barkley was his mentor at Penn State. We’ve barely heard from this guy in three years and we won’t hear from him on third down either because it’s Kenneth Gainwell’s territory. On fourth down, Philly doesn’t trust their running backs behind the NFL’s best offensive line.

Everyone loves Jalen Hurts, but you know who doesn’t love Jalen Hurts? Running backs. Hurts scored five touchdowns on QB sneaks in 2021 and five more this season. Why would any running back want to play in a system where the quarterback vultures their scores? The worst part is that this trend could begin catching on.

Running backs are already exploited enough, but now their numbers are being suppressed by the Eagles and that doesn’t sit right with me. It was one thing when mobile passers started getting free reign to scramble on early downs more, but Jalen Hurts has been successful on 29-of-33 quarterback sneaks this year. Running backs need their own unions because touchdowns play a part in their contract incentives. Having QBs like Jalen Hurts Tebowing it up and phasing out running backs need to be addressed eventually.

Speaking of Jalen Hurts, can he lead this team of frontrunners from behind? They played a flabby schedule and Hurts has only led four fourth-quarter comebacks in three seasons. One of those was a win over the Colts in which the offense scored 17 points. Give me a break.

Wake me up if he ever passes for more than two football fields in a playoff game. Is throwing for 154 yards against the Giants supposed to be intimidating? Gaining 121 through the air against the Niners running some variant of the veer offense because Brocky Purdy was playing with a severely damaged elbow? Harrison Ford had a better performance against a one-armed man. Put him in an early hole and we’ll see if he folds.

Nick Bolton’s 180 tackles this season were second in the NFL, but it’s not as impressive as it sounds. Usually, he’s there to clean up messes that drip through the front four. He doesn’t make splash plays, he does janitorial work at the second level.

He’s a gargoyle of a linebacker who got juked by Joe Burrow on a crucial second-and-long in the AFC Championship Game. The Eagles are going to make mincemeat out of him.

It’s still unbelievable after all these years that we just breeze by a player named Reddick. We aren’t this mature as a society. As The Athletic’s Grant Brisbee once noted, we wouldn’t be nearly this placid about it, if his name was Bluedick. He’s the skeleton key in the Eagles’ pass rush and was named a second-team All-Pro, but has spent all week predictably grousing about how he doesn’t “get enough respect as a pass rusher.” WHAT?

This is the most obnoxious cliche in sports or any field for that matter. In a down year, Myles Garrett collected 16 sacks, without getting a head start coming off the blocks as an outside linebacker and accounted for more than a third of Cleveland’s team sacks to Reddick accumulating about a fifth of their team sack total. Reddick is an ensemble cast star, who thinks he’s got blockbuster potential. Someone’s gotta get that ego in check.

The announcers for Super Bowl 57. I actually have no qualms with Kevin Burkhardt and Greg Olsen.

They’ve done well as a duo.

But just think about it the next time Fox hosts a Super Bowl, Olsen will be replaced by Tom Brady in the booth.

“She ain’t Beyonce.” — Stephen A.