"California," by Low. No more running through brick walls for a while. One day, when I have a billion dollars and the Jamboroo rights have been licensed in Borneo and 57 other countries, I will spend the entire NFL offseason somewhere warm and pleasant all year round. There, I will drink, eat grilled meats, and smoke pot until my butler tells me it's time to start watching football again.


Electric Boys Video Of The Week

"All Lips And Hips," by Electric Boys. Few bands can pull off using a sitar successfully. Electric Boys were not one of them. Anyone ever go to a place where there's a belly dancer and get pissed after five minutes that the belly dancer isn't a real stripper? I get like that.


Open Mailbag Tuesdays
If you want to get into the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag, a couple pointers. One: Try not to bring up topics from the last mailbag. It's already been covered. Two: Keep it relatively concise, unless you're that dude who knew everything about toilet testing. Three: Keep emailing. Sometimes, shit doesn't make it in simply because I don't have time to get to it. That may seem hard to believe given that my entire life consists of wasting both my time and yours, but it's the truth. Four: Using proper spelling and grammar as best you can. I'm too lazy to capitalize "I" for you. And thank you to all the emailers who have pitched in to that column. It's been a blast, and it'll be here all year round.

Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Pierre Garcon. Nice drop, fucko. And could you maybe try using a condom next time? Paul Shirley doesn't want his tax money paying for your filthy, ball-dropping offspring.


Nazi Shark's Vegas Futures Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.


"Next year, I like the Dolphins at 40-1 to win Super Bowl 45. There is a new biography of Eva Braun coming out, and I think you will find it illuminating. Did you know both Eva and the Fuhrer loved architecture? It's true! So the next time you go on and on about how badddd Dachau was, maybe you should take a look at the flying buttresses and rethink your opinion."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 9-11 (1-3 playoffs). 9-11? EERIE.

Great Moments In Poop History
Fear not. Great Moments in Poop isn't going away. It'll be back next week in the Jamboroo's replacement column.


From reader Sam comes a story I call THREE O'CLOCK POOP:

In 8th grade typing/computer class, all of the computers were situated at the perimeter of the room, which is where we spent most of every class; though usually the first and last 5 minutes or so of each class we'd sit at our desks in middle of the room, like any other normal class.

We'd just got back to our seats in the middle of the room with a few minutes left in class. Everyone's talking, waiting for the bell to ring, when the kid right next to me let out a really loud fart, which a lot of us sitting around him heard, and laughed about. I remember the kid sitting right in front of the farter turning around and exclaiming how utterly nasty the smell was, and said something like, "you better check your pants". A few of us around him then smelled it and it was truly godawful and we let him know about it. Farter then joked, seemingly at least, about how maybe he should check his pants. We thought he was kidding.

Farter then walked up to the teacher's desk at the front of the room and I heard him mutter something to our female teacher about going to the bathroom, and I remember the teacher shaking her head and sternly saying, "please take your seat, the bell is going to ring in a minute". Farter then must have quickly whispered something or made some gesture to her, because he quickly left the room with her permission. Moments after he left, the kid next to me yelled, "OH MY GOD, HE SHIT ON THE FLOOR", while pointing to a huge pile of diarrhea sitting right in front of the teacher's desk where Farter had just been standing. Making matters worse, there were 2 other smaller, but substantial, piles of diarrhea in the aisle between the desks, one of which was a mere few feet from me. Our teacher was at a loss for words, her face beet red, as she tried to calm the students, but to no avail. Bell or not, we all bolted for the door, screaming our heads off. As all the other classes soon emptied out into the hallway, I recall most of us running around to the nonwitnesses, exclaiming how our classmate had just shit his pants/the floor.

8th grade has to be the worst grade ever to do something like that. Kindergarten? No big deal, it happens. 4th grade? Kids would've forgot, forgiven, moved away, etc. Senior year in high school? Classmates would've probably handled it more maturely, and graduation would've been around the corner. But the end of 8th grade? A mere few months before high school begins? When the girls are all starting to put out? When everyone, me included, couldn't be any more immature? Bad timing to shit yourself for sure, as the poor kid was never able to let this down throughout the next 4+ years.

I suppose had he been wearing tighty whities and/or long pants, he would've been able to keep this accident "in house", so i guess the moral of the story is that if you're going to shit yourself in class, don't wear boxers and shorts.


A sage bit of wisdom from Sam. All you eighth graders out there best heed his words, lest you dribble a trail of poop out of class like some kind of poopy Hansel and Gretl.

Offseason Warming Soup Of The Week


Chicken soup. Warm. Inoffensive. Saved my ass this week. My actual ass.

During my bout with stomach flu, my mother-in-law baked a birthday cake for my kid, and the smell of it wafted through the house, making me feel even sicker. Such a cruel world when even the smell of golden, delicious cake is enough to turn your stomach.


Offseason Cheap Beer Of The Week


Blue Diamond! Described on its website as "Above average". Well, with that kind of endorsement, who are you to resist? From reader DZ:

Your toothpicks story reminds me of a game I used to play in college involving beer and potentiality for major injury/death. We called the game Blue Diamond after the beer we drank. Essentially there was a liquor store in St. Paul on Marshall Ave., the only place in the city you could get the beer. We lived across the street, so copious amounts of Blue Diamond were drunk during our college days.

Anyways our friends rented a house and in their backyard they had a trampoline. The backyard was tiny and basically consisted of this gigantic trampoline and about 10 yards by 4 yards for chairs, grills, hanging out.

One day we invented a game where about 5 of us were jumping on the trampoline some one would shake up a can of Blue Diamond, toss it into the middle of the trampoline and then 5 drunk and high college kids would jump around trying to avoid getting hit by the can. If you got hit you had to immediately roll off the trampoline grab the beer and slam it. Lots of strategery and lots of hilarity.

Also this trampoline was conveniently located next to a very old rusty fence which probably gave us several staph infections.


I would play that game. Look at that beer. Man, that looks like shit. I MUST HAVE IT. Bonus: Blue Diamond is also the name of the folks who make those delightful smokehouse almonds. I could eat a barrel of those.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award in 2010. Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans joins us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.


"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP next year is… Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys! Feisty? You bet! A taste for blondes? Only to match ol' Evans here!


"Well, the season is over. Time for me to retire to my vacation abode on the exotic island of Mallorca! There, my good friend Jon Voight and I will take in the fresh air, have a game of tennis, enjoy fresh manchego cheese with quince paste, and make love to some of Spain's finest young offerings! Oh, you should see Voight around a young Spanish woman. LIKE AN OWL! Focused? You bet! Vigilant? Always!

"Sometimes, Voight will tell me about his relationship with his daughter, the superstar Angelina Jolie! They don't talk much. I think that hurts him deeply. You can see it in his eyes when he says her name. His whole face just appears to sag. It's like there's a piece of his life that he knows is missing, that he set out to sea long ago that he'll never retrieve. Such a sad thing. I'll never have the heart to tell her I shtupped her during the casting process for Sliver. She didn't make the cut. Not as much of a wildcat as you might think. GIVE ME JENNIFER TILLY ANY DAY!"


Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Everyone

The Year Of Living Dangerously. Linda Hunt plays a man in this movie. She even won an Oscar for it. I assumed, while watching the entire film, that there was going to be a scene where Hunt's character would be outed as a woman. Because it was a woman playing the character of a man. But no, she plays a little dude the whole way through. I am really, really glad that there was no such scene. "Linda Hunt nude" is about the only phrase that is NOT in my Google search history.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral."

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Reader bearfan24 wanted to send in the thong shot of Lisa Loeb available online. Hard to complain.
-For the gals: This guy. He's shirtless. Do with it what you will.


Enjoy the offseason, everyone. And a very, very warm congrats to the Saints and their fans. It's easy to be Mr. Cynic and say anyone who believes a football team can give needed hope to an area devastated by a natrural disaster is a fucking idiot. But a lot of people down there believe exactly that, and who am I to argue? They're the ones who have lost so much. They're the ones who believe the Saints have helped save them. Works for me. See you at the draft Jamboroo in April.