16 Page 46 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Hater’s Guide To March Madness 2016
It’s that time of year again … time to say rotten, hateful things about every team in the NCAA tournament bracket. And what a bunch of shitty, corrupt teams they are! I don’t think there’s ever been a tournament featuring so many schools that are in the middle of horrifying scandals: Yale, Cal, Oreg...
Marco Rubio Will Have To Find Another Bed To Shit
Marco Rubio may very well be the emptiest suit to have campaigned for national office in my lifetime. He makes Paul Ryan look like Benjamin Disraeli....
Presenting The 2016 Name Of The Year Bracket
These are exciting times for Name of the Year....
Donald Trump Praises Missouri's Football Teams In Bizarre Speech
In the past twelve months, the state of Missouri has watched its NFL team depart for Los Angeles while its lone Division I-FBS team nearly went on strike due to racism on campus; they went 5-7 on the season. The two FCS programs? Missouri State’s football team went 1-10, while SEMO went 4-7. Donald ...
Donald Trump Shouts Out Paul O'Neill At Press Conference, Gets His Endorsement
Former Yankees outfielder Paul O’Neill showed up at the press conference turned Home Shopping Network program that Donald Trump, a short-fingered megalomaniac, held in Florida tonight, and even got a shoutout during Trump’s speech. John Kasich will be torn up about not getting his fellow Ohioan’s su...
Keith Olbermann Bodyslams Donald Trump Through The Core Of The Earth
Ever since Keith Olbermann left the ESPN airwaves eight months ago, there has been a conspicuous lack of uppercutting people into volcanoes and dropkicking them through glass doors in our lives. But there was no way the man who made his post-SportsCenter name exchanging haymakers with the Bush admin...
Ben Carson's Presidential Campaign Was A Big Success
Hear me, O Americans. If lots of people want to give you lots and lots of money to go stand on stages and just kinda sleepily free-associate whatever pops into your mind in response to prompts from strangers, and want to treat you like a rock star for doing it, and will support you in this behavior ...
Should The U.S. Boycott The Rio Olympics?
Oh, hey, looks like Olympic organizers in Rio won’t be able to clear the water of raw sewage in time for this summer’s Olympics. How much danger does poop water present to our athletes, and should we consider, you know, NOT making them compete in poop water by boycotting the whole thing? That’s just...
Republican Voters Vote For A Very Republican Republican
Back in August, I wrote a post accusing the political media of covering Donald Trump’s presidential candidacy more, and more seriously, than it deserved. “Stop Pretending Donald Trump Is Running For President,” I titled the post. D’oh....
Watch John Oliver MURDERSLAY Donald Trump
Making fun of Donald Trump is remarkably easy, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t satisfying. So why not sit back and watch self-described parrot banker John Oliver comprehensively rip Trump a new moneyhole for 20 solid minutes? You won’t be disappointed. You can’t be disappointed. Sometimes the easiest...
The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars
Chris Rock is hosting the Oscars this year, and he took the gig long before the nominees were announced and everyone got pissed because all of them were white. So here we have one of the greatest social commentators of his generation presiding over a ceremony that is in DESPERATE need of a public fl...
Jeb Bush Is Not A Joke; He's A Sack Of Shit
Jeb Bush finally—fucking finally—dropped out of the Republican primary campaign over the weekend, by my reckoning at least a few months later than observable reality said he should. Nobody wanted him to be president. Possibly he himself did not really want to be president, so much as he wanted not t...
Rio Has Given Up On Its Goal To Clean Up The Water In Time For The Olympics
When bidding to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, Rio de Janeiro promised the International Olympics Committee that it would eliminate 80 percent of the sewage found in the city’s notoriously filthy water, and would fully regenerate the lagoon in which rowing and kayaking events will be held. Now a few...
The U.S. Olympic Marathon Team: BFFs, A Woman With A Plan, The Hero, Rupp, And A Guy Named Jared
The Olympic Marathon Trials have been tried and decided. By finishing in the top three, your 2016 Olympic marathoners are Galen Rupp, Meb Keflezighi and Jared Ward on the men’s side, and Amy Cragg, Des Linden, and Shalane Flanagan on the women’s. Should one of those Mister or Miss Americas be unable...
Lifelong Failure Carly Fiorina Does What She Does Best
If Carly Fiorina’s life were a television series, last Wednesday’s season finale would have occasioned a lot of groaning about lazy formulas. Really? Another season ending with Carly an utter abject failure, and the people who worked for her unemployed? For chrissakes, House was more unpredictable t...
Sage Steele Cuts Off Arcade Fire Singer Win Butler's Attempt To Talk About Health Care
Win Butler won the MVP trophy at today’s Celebrity All-Star game in Toronto, and the Arcade Fire frontman used his post-game interview with Sage Steele to suggest that the U.S. could learn a few things from Canada this election year. Steele wasn’t having anything of it, shutting Butler down with a “...