2 Page 211 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Cristiano Ronaldo's New Goal Celebration Makes Him Look Like A Big Dweeb
Cristiano Ronaldo is not “cool.” It’s a little strange because he has many of the traits commonly associated with coolness—he’s famous, successful, cocky, handsome, has a body that looks like it was carved out of marble, has dated a number of the most gorgeous women in the world, etc.—and yet the ov...
Russia Is The Highest Scoring Team In The World Cup. INVESTIGATE?!
Yesterday Russia beat Egypt 3-1, and have now formally clinched a spot in the Round of 16 thanks to Uruguay’s victory earlier today. In fact, out of all the teams in this World Cup, it is the host country of Russia—ranked 70th overall by FIFA, behind the likes of Guinea, the Cape Verde Islands, and ...
Here It Is, The World Cup's Greatest And Most Shameless Dive
Portugal essentially ended Morocco’s World Cup this morning with a frustrating 1-0 win. Ronaldo scored off of a corner kick in the fourth minute, and Morocco couldn’t find the back of the net despite creating several great chances. Because Portugal are Portugal, they stalled out the end of the game ...
Burger King Is Sorry It Offered Russian Women Lifetime Whoppers If They Get Impregnated By World Cup Stars
An official social media account for Burger King in Russia posted a promotion this morning promising a reward of 3 million Rubles ($47,000) and a lifetime supply of Whoppers for any Russian woman who got pregnant with the child of a World Cup player....
Americans Are Playing In The World Cup, Just Not For Our Shit-Ass National Team
This was always going to be a terrible World Cup for Americans, seeing as our boys choked like a bunch of chump-ass pissbabies and didn’t qualify for the tournament. However, the tournament hasn’t been completely devoid of American soccer excellence. It’s just that none of that American excellence a...
<i>New Yorker</i> Film Critic Has Reservations About Children's Movie Because His Boner Kept Blocking The Screen
Have you seen Incredibles 2? If you liked 2004's The Incredibles, about a family of superheroes in a sort of midcentury-modern-flavored alternate universe America, you’ll likely enjoy its sequel very much. As you might expect from any big-budget sequel it’s a little less fresh than the original and ...
Youth Lacrosse Coach Gets His Team All Rowdy With Pregame Speech About <i>Fortnite</i>
While some lacrosse coaches might rend their garments over their players’ obsessions with the video game Fortnite, others are using it to their advantage. A reader sent in this clip of a Pennsylvania eighth-grade lacrosse coach who last weekend gave a pregame speech full of popular references to pum...
Michael Porter Jr. Compares Himself To Elite NBA Players, Says He's Glad To Be Compared To Elite NBA Players
Michael Porter Jr., a lottery prospect who may be selected by the brain geniuses of Sacramento at No. 2 or may fall somewhere around the seven-ish range, sure has draft experts mumbling about his Character Issues. Their voices descend to bassy, knowing tones, and their sentences swell into ominous g...
Mexico World Cup Captain Going To Ridiculous Lengths To Avoid Violating Treasury Department Sanctions
Mexican national team captain Rafael Márquez has been in some pretty serious legal trouble for the past year. Last August, the United States Treasury Department sanctioned him for allegedly helping Mexican drug kingpin Raul Flores Hernandez launder money. Márquez has denied the allegations and is cu...
Senegal's M'Baye Niang Scores The Sneakiest Goal You'll Ever See
If you’ve never seen a goal like the one M’Baye Niang just scored for Senegal against Poland, you’re not alone. This is one of the most ridiculous and hilarious and brilliant stealth goals I’ve ever seen....
Can James Rodríguez One-Up Himself And Lead Colombia Even Deeper Into The World Cup?
Colombia have talent all over the pitch. Their back line is led by two young and already studly central defenders, their midfield options offer a good mix of defensive solidity and experience with attacking verve and youth, their striker is great and so is their right winger. So it’s not like James ...
Oh Cool, We're Doing The "Puto" Controversy Again
Mexico supporters pulled out the “Ehhhh.....Puto!” chant once again in their 1-0 World Cup win over Germany on Sunday, with the homophobic slur audible on the TV broadcast during Manuel Neuer’s goal kicks. The chant is potentially going to earn the Mexican federation another fine from FIFA, which is...
Harry Kane Saves England With Dramatic 91st-Minute Winner
The first 90 minutes of England’s World Cup opener played out how many fans feared they would. Harry Kane easily found the back of the net in the first 11 minutes after a powerful John Stones header was batted right onto his feet, but England were brought back to Earth quickly. In the 34th minute, K...
The Worst Haircuts Of The World Cup, According To Me
The World Cup only comes around every four years. In that time, soccer fans wait in agony, sustained by the belief that their team will make it to the world stage, and then win big against its foes. That is the story of sports, but this is a story of hair. Or is it? Maybe it’s actually a story about...
Plane Carrying Saudi National Team Lands Safely After Engine Catches Fire
The Saudi Arabian men’s national team flew to Rostov-on-Don today, where they will be playing Uruguay on Wednesday. The plane landed safely despite one of the engines catching fire in the air....
NBA Auctions Off What J.R. Smith Wore When He Lost What Was Left Of His Dignity
A token of J.R. Smith’s eternal shame is up for sale on the NBA’s auction site. “He played 38 minutes and registered 10 points with 2 assists and 6 rebounds,” reads the very charitable caption. In some sense, this is the greatest piece of LeBron James memorabilia that money could buy....
Landon Donovan Wins Biggest Asshole Award In Dumb Soccer Fandom Controversy
If you want to learn about a completely mind-numbing “controversy” about who is and is not allowed to root for which national team at the World Cup, and in the process become more convinced that there isn’t much brain behind that enormous forehead of Landon Donovan’s, then you’ve come to the right p...
These World Cup Teams Are Frauds, In My Opinion
We’re nearly through one full cycle of World Cup group play, which means I have watched more soccer in the past four days than I had in the previous four years. And do I have takes. Here now, the teams that are clearly frauds and some others that might be....
Chicharito Earned Those Tears
Javier “Chicharito” Hernández was not the best Mexican player on the field in Sunday’s World Cup match against Germany. That honor probably belongs to goal-scorer Hirving Lozano, or any of El Tri’s defensive midfielders and center backs who spent the game stoning Germany’s attacks. Hernández was not...