2 Page 313 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Zlatan Kills Denmark On The Field, Then Torches Them With Sick Burn
This version of Zlatan Ibrahimović is older and worse than the one we loved and feared. Not that a little thing like age could keep him from stomping out Denmark on his way to qualifying for Euro 2016, and dancing over the body in an interview after....
The United States Cap-Tied Two Very Good Dual Nationals Last Night
The United States started off their World Cup Qualifying campaign in St. Louis last night with a 6-1 win against Caribbean minnows St. Vincent and the Grenadines. The result was as expected and there’s nothing substantial to be gleaned from how the team played, aside from the fact that they allowed ...
IAAF Suspends Russia From International Competitions
When the World Anti-Doping Agency published its damning report accusing Russia of running a state-sponsored doping program for international athletes, it asked the International Association of Athletics Federation to ban Russian track and field athletes from international competitions. Today, the IA...
The Only Rule Is Refusal: A Song For Rand Paul
By the end of last night’s debate, Rand Paul had been reduced to smirking and reciting the Real Fiscal Conservatism rulebook—You can’t spend trillions on the military and be a real conservative, so are you a real conservative?—like a five-year-old who’d caught a playmate in the irreconcilable though...
President Of German Soccer Association Resigns Amid World Cup Bribery Scandal
DFB President Wolfgang Niersbach has resigned from his post today. While he’s maintained his and his organization’s innocence amid allegations that German soccer officials bought votes in order to win World Cup hosting rights in 2006, Niersbach has decided to take “political responsibility” for the ...
Larry David Makes <i>SNL</i> Return To Play Bernie Sanders Again
Cranky human Larry David reprised his role of a lifetime on Saturday Night Live tonight, and since you enjoyed his turn as Vermont senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders last time, we’ll let you argue about how great/awful his impression is down there in the comments again....
Big Fat Fabulist Ben Carson's West Point Story Is Bogus
Republican presidential candidate and hip-hop impresario Ben Carson is full of beans. Possibly he is as much as 82-percent beans! His tales of youthful violence keep changing, his Mannatech disavowal was bogus on its face, and now his story of receiving a full scholarship to the U.S. Military Academ...
A More Honest Version Of Ben Carson's Rap Campaign Ad
As we noted earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has a rap campaign ad. We found the ad lacking a bit in some of the neurosurgeon’s more intellectual observations, though, and so we made him a new version....
Ben Carson Made A Rap Song For The Blacks
With the 2016 election now just a year away, presidential campaigns are finally getting down to serious business. As Barack Hussein Obama proved seven years back, there are oodles of black people in this country, and some even vote. The blacks are a valuable constituency, so it behooves each preside...
VOTE MARV BUSH 2016
It has been a lousy month for Jeb Bush, gang. He’s running out of cash. His polls numbers are in the shitter. He spends a lot of time now tending to his email. And he appears to be publicly melting into a puddle of tepid lip-sweat before our very eyes, if this tweet is to be believed....
Sad Jeb Bush Is Just Sitting Up At Night, Waiting To Chat About Football With You
Jeb Bush, the former frontrunner for the Republican Presidential nomination, may have finally hit rock bottom. Fresh off his piss-baby performance at the last debate, Jeb has now transformed into your sad uncle who just wishes that he heard from the kids more often....
Jonny Gomes Gives Obnoxious, Wonderful Victory Speech At Royals' World Series Parade
Jonny Gomes didn’t have a single plate appearance in the Royals’ postseason run, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t preen and shout at the team’s World Series parade today. Give him a hell yeah, brother....
Larry Lessig Was Running For President, Now Isn't
Larry Lessig is a Harvard professor, campaign finance reform activist, and attorney; he is not seeking the Democratic nomination to the 2016 presidential election. That last bit is new, as of yesterday: He was seeking the nomination before that—didn’t you know?—and now he is not. Baby shoes, never w...
Mike Huckabee Goes "Hunting"
On the sweltering plains of humanity’s early days, pre-industrial tribesmen acquired rich animal protein for their diets via persistence hunting. Working carefully in groups—and taking advantage of the stamina, sweat-cooling, and water-carrying advantages humans have over terrestrial ungulates—they ...
Curt Schilling Is Just Going To Pretend He Didn't Say That Thing He Said
Sporadic baseball analyst Curt Schilling tuned in to Game 5 of the World Series last night, and he was really in favor of keeping Mets starter Matt Harvey in for the whole game, until he wasn’t. The progression of tweets is a fun ride....
Jeb Can't Fake A Spleen; The GOP Can't Fake A Candidate
You ask a five-year-old to pretend she is a grownup doing a grown-up job, and she will furrow her brow into a stern expression, scrunch up her little mouth into a tight frown, and speak in a deepened, scolding tone of voice. It does a pretty good—and cute!—job of illustrating how a five-year-old per...
Chris Christie Flips Out On Debate Question About Fantasy Football
Things got testy multiple times at last night’s GOP debate, with the candidates repeatedly going off on the CNBC moderators for asking what they perceived to be biased or inane questions (even as they generally failed to provide substantive answers to the substantive questions). Toward the end, thin...
Watch This Harrowing Documentary About The Working Conditions In Qatar
Sometimes it’s easy to get wrapped up in FIFA’s more bureaucratic forms of corruption and forget that the biggest crime by far that soccer’s governing body has committed was aiding and abetting the workplace atrocities that are so prevalent in Qatar....
Your Next Plate Of Meatloaf Is My Treat, Lincoln Chafee
“I have had no scandals,” the ostrich man kept saying. If you angled your head just right, you could hear ... Y’know, in case you had me mixed up with that hiking-the-Appalachian-Trail fella wafting along on the breeze of his breath....
Germany's Explanation For Their World Cup Bribery Scandal Makes No Sense
Last week, the German soccer association (DFB) was rocked by allegations that they had bribed four FIFA executives in exchange for the hosting rights for the 2006 World Cup. Today, the head of the DFB gave a press conference to address the allegations. He did not do much to clear things up....