abe Page 22 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
![Man Caught Jerking Off In The Stands During Bundesliga Match [NSFW]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/qtse1zbtvamzot6witft.jpg)
Man Caught Jerking Off In The Stands During Bundesliga Match [NSFW]
Schalke hosted Hertha Berlin in a Bundesliga match this past Saturday. The match featured one goal, one yellow card, and one Hertha fan calmly stroking his dick in front of god and everyone in the middle of the stands:...
Elizabeth Swaney's Dad Is Proud Of Her
Through hard work and a series of gaping loopholes, Elizabeth Swaney managed to qualify for the Hungarian Olympic ski team despite having little skiing ability. When she coasted down the half pipe earlier this week and did no tricks, confused people everywhere hailed her as either the grifter of all...
Elizabeth Swaney's Multi-Sport Journey To Pyeongchang
Hungarian (sort-of) skier Elizabeth Swaney is now infamous around the world, after her big turn at the Olympics involved her just sort of sliding down the ski halfpipe and getting a cumulative three feet or so of air. She finished dead last of the 24 competitors by a comfortable margin, but that doe...
The Winter Olympics Feature 2,951 Of The World’s Greatest Athletes, And Also This Woman<em></em><em></em>
There’s a premise built into the structure of the Olympics that pretty much every single Olympian, even those far down the standings, are elite athletes at the top of their game performing at a level most fans could only dream of. Freestyle skier Elizabeth Swaney is an affront to this notion, and he...
Rafael Barba Was <i>Law & Order: SVU</i>’s Best ADA, Fight Me
At the end of his first-ever appearance as Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba on the 14th season of Law & Order: SVU, actor Raúl Esparza takes off his leather belt, hands it to a defendant in the jury box, and asks him to choke him with it....
Please Enjoy "The Joy Of Christmas," The Greatest, Goofiest Christmas Album Ever Made
Tastefulness. It has no place when celebrating the holiday season, but some people just can’t fucking help themselves. Look at this Spotify playlist:...
Major League Baseball's Statcast Can Break Sabermetrics
“On a historical basis, a decade from now, we’ll be looking back saying, ‘That was the highest route efficiency that’s ever been captured in baseball.’”...
Howard Eskin Is Very Upset That New Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler Masturbates
The Phillies held a press conference today to introduce Gabe Kapler as the team’s new manager. It was Kapler’s first time speaking to the assembled Philadelphia media, and he got a good introduction into a major part of his new job....
Gabe Kapler Is A Good Baseball Mind, But A Better Blogger
The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that former MLB player Gabe Kapler will be their new manager, leaving his spot as director of player development for the Dodgers to do so. It’s unclear what this will mean for his other gig, writing about health and fitness (and occasionally other topics) as...
<i>Jeopardy!</i> Dummy Beats Even Bigger Dummies With $1
Defending Jeopardy! champion Manny Abell wasn’t doing so hot heading into Final Jeopardy last night. Abell had accrued just $1,000, trailing both Carlos Nobleza Posas and Fran Fried by a cool $11,300, and he needed a lot to break in his favor for him to make up that difference. Thanks to a panel-wid...
German Soccer Team Hertha BSC Kneels In Solidarity With NFL Anthem Protests
Bundesliga side Hertha Berlin linked arms and knelt before the start of their match today against Schalke, reportedly in solidarity with NFL anthem protests:...
Stop Asking This Shithead Bad Questions Poorly<em></em>
The White House press corps is now, as it always has been, both one of the most important parts of American journalism and one of the most frustrating parts of American journalism. At its most basic, the job of White House reporters is to hold the most powerful people in the United States accountabl...
Andrea Belotti Scored The Goal Of The Weekend
As the summer transfer window wanes and clubs are stressing over Ousmane Dembélé, Philippe Coutinho, Kylian Mbappé, Neymar, and other flashy strikers making (or not making) big moves around Europe, Torino’s 23-year-old big shot Andrea Belotti is over in Italy cooking up a storm. He’s long been linke...
The Long Death Of A Failed Ballplayer
This story originally appeared in the August, 1980 issue of Inside Sports and appears here with permission. ...
Ons Jabeur Is The First Arab Woman To Make It This Far Into A Grand Slam
Ons Jabeur, ranked No. 114 in the world, slipped into the French Open as a “lucky loser”—a player who lost in qualifying rounds but nevertheless lucked into a spot vacated by another player’s withdrawal. Before this tournament, the 22-year-old Tunisian had played only two other Grand Slam matches in...
Wolfsburg Make John Brooks The Most Expensive American Player In History
This summer’s transfer window isn’t even officially open yet and we’re already seeing some crazy, record-breaking fees being thrown about. Like Paul Pogba a year ago, the source of the (arguably) biggest, most (relatively) eye-popping fee that (not quite) everyone is talking about is the record-smas...
Striker Somehow Fails To Kick Ball Into Open Net From Point-Blank Range
You know what, rather than ridicule, Aberdeen striker Miles Storey deserves our sympathy. Yes, it’s never good to find a way not to score when you’re literally a foot away from an unguarded net, but the incoming cross was deflected, and it had to feel like shit to hear that sound the crowd made when...
What Kobe Bryant Was Capable Of
The story originally appeared in The Los Angeles Times Magazine on Oct. 31, 2004 and can be found in Kaye’s ebook anthology, Men: What They Do, How They Think, And Why. It is republished here with the author’s permission....
Andrea Belotti, Young Italian Soccer Man, Is Having Himself A Hell Of A Season
Andrea Belotti ... that famous Italian singer guy? Nope, that’s Andrea Bocelli, but good try....
Jos Hermens Explains How He's Going To Find A Sub Two-Hour Marathoner
Jos Hermens had been talking for maybe four minutes, and already I had learned that he sexted his wife (he made a gleeful face and texting motions); that Americans are fucking uptight (also uptight about fucking) and that is the problem with our country; that his people, the Dutch, are so happy beca...