ac Page 1191 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
When The Horses Unite, All Will Fall
No longer will the horses stand idly by while we whip them into submission and destroy their ankles and other important pivots. The rebellion has begun. We attempted to warn you. But you arrogant human beings did not listen....
At Least SOMEONE Can Take Off The Favre Jersey Without Making A Whole Stink About It
Remember that kid who wore his Brett Favre jersey for four straight years? Well, either because Favre has retired or puberty is just around the corner, the kid has finally taken it off....
Culprit Found In Eight Belles Tragedy. It's Hillary, Of Course
Backing the wrong horse is always deadly in politics, especially when it's an actual horse. Poor Hillary Clinton. How can someone get into trouble just betting on the Kentucky Derby? By making a huge deal about placing a bet on a horse that had to be destroyed right on the track, that's how. Now PET...
Pistons, 19th Century Technology Defeat Magic
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's interested to see how the Celtics plan to stop LeBron tonight. (He suggests napalm and well-trained attack dogs.) When he's not making violent anti-LeBron plans, he can be found relieving his NBA bladder at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Ozzie Guillen Does A Brilliant Ozzie Guillen Impersonation
Perhaps it's appropriate that Ozzie Guillen would unleash one of his patented expletive-filled tirades on Chicago fans, the Cubs, and media outlets just a few short days removed from the 25th anniversary of Lee Elia's epic f-bomb ranting. Maybe it was an homage. But more likely it was just Ozzie Gui...
On Race, Message Boards And Shutting The Hell Up
Of all the panels on "Costas Now" the other night, the one we thought was most effective at tickling the cerebral cortex was the last one, about race, featuring Cris Carter, Michael Wilbon and Jason Whitlock. (It was so absorbing that "Costas Now" is doing a full 90-minute segment just on race down ...
Roger Clemens Is Sorry For Everything, Some Things, And Nothing
Last week was another rough one for once-destined Hall of Fame pitcher Roger Clemens, as the New York Daily News trotted out a harem of women with whom he'd allegedly had some steamy relations with, much to the chagrin of his HGH-injecting wife and many Texas political figures....
It's Getting Crowded In Horse Valhalla
Eight Belles is probably in Heaven by now, galloping in fields of clover on four sturdy legs and eating tasty apples. No, I'm not sure which friends she's romping about with up there (a safe bet; one of them is not Christopher Reeve). Down here on earth, though, things are quite unsettled. Who is to...
Congratulatory Hugs Aren't What They Used To Be
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Pistonmania Is Running Wild On The Magic!
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Arizona Cannot Be Stopped
Brandon Webb didn't have his best performance of the year, but he can thank Augie Ojeda for helping him notch a seventh consecutive win. The Arizona reserve filled in mightily for the injured Orlando Hudson, driving in six of the runs in the 10-4 win over the Mets. Ojeda had three hits, including tw...
Hornets Tell It Like It Is, Spurs Fall to Pieces
I immediately regret that headline. Anyway, New Orleans opened their series against San Antonio in style with an ass kicking of impressive proportions. The Spurs held a four point lead after the first quarter, but once the mascot lit the floor on fire the Hornets outscored the visitors by 23. Tim D...
He Who Laughs Last, Moves On...
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who forgot to write a new introductory paragraph yesterday and feels like a douche about it. When he's not refreshing female genitalia, he can be found taking a siesta at Basketbawful. Enjoy! Who knew Darius Songaila was so important? After the Cleveland Ca...
War Emblem Isn't Interested In Breeding; Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
You've probably seen this by now, but, alas, it's still great. War Emblem is tired of the dating scene. Take this farm, for instance; everyone here is such a phony. He'd rather stay in his stall and curl up with a nice Dee Mirich poem, if you want to know the truth. The race horse, who won the Kentu...
Cubs Preparing For When Ryne Sandberg Becomes Their Manager
When the day finally comes that Lou Piniella explodes like Port Chicago — oh, and he will — who will step in for the Cubs? How about Ryne Sandberg? The Hall of Famer, now manager of the Class A Peoria Chiefs, will try out the manager's chair when he returns to Wrigley Field on July 29; his team taki...
Take A Tour Of Pacman's Crib
Now that he's headed for the bright, shining silver star of Dallas, Adam "Pacman" Jones no longer needs his digs in Tennesse. For just $1.8 million, you can move into 4282 N Chapel Rd in Franklin, and call this spacious, stripper-friendly abode your own....
Deep 76'ed
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is mourning the Suns today. When he's not being bummed out, you can find him hating the Spurs at Basketbawful. Enjoy! The dream be dead. What can I say? The Philadelphia 76ers defied expectations by making it to the playoffs and then shocked the basketb...
Like Zombies And Hillary Clinton, Brett Favre Will Not Go Away
It would almost be worth going through a whole new cycle of Brett-Favre-is-unretiring stories to see him in a Chicago Bears uniform in 2009. I said almost. According to Leroy Butler as reported by MSNBC, Favre wants to play this coming season, but not with the Packers. But then, with whom?...
Your One-Stop Kentucky Derby Guide
The Kentucky Derby is this weekend. That's fun! Horses! We don't know a lick about it, so we asked Angelo Grasso, of The Gowanus Rotisserie Baseball Gazette, to preview the race for us. Maybe you can even make yourself some money....
Place Bets On The Next NBA Stoner
This has certainly been covered elsewhere — most excellently by TrueHoop - but we really can't get over the "Josh Howard is a terrible person for smoking weed" meme. As Henry Abbott put it, "We're not alarmed that one young person smoked pot. We're alarmed that anyone admitted it." Fitting, not even...