ac Page 1213 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Dyshod Carter Probably Not The Next Frank Lucas
Dyshod Carter, a former cornerback for the Cardinals and Browns, was one of five people arrested earlier this week for attempting to purchase seven kilos of cocaine from an undercover DEA agent at the low, low Phoenix price of $16,000 a key....
In Salt Lake City, The Bottle Hits <em>You</em>
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who would like to abuse his position to give a public shout-out to his buddy Dave, who just got his Master's Degree from Purdue University. Way to go, Dave! When he's not making with the gratuitous congratulations, he can be found trimming his unibrow at Bas...
Boston Bruins First To Adopt Five-Blade Technology
Want a close, comfortable shave while enjoying your next NHL game? First, apply a liberal amount of transmission fluid. Then make sure that your Zamboni includes the Gillette Fusion Power razor, with advanced blade technology and featuring precision trimmer for those tricky spots, like around the en...
Invasion Of The LeBron Snatchers!
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who could be replaced by an alien doppelganger any day now. It's been nice knowing you. When he's not trying to organize an underground resistance, he can be found practicing his "Nanu Nanu" at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Kobe, Pretentious Lakers Fans Celebrate A Lifetime Of Achievement
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is about to take you to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of the NBA. Next stop, the Basketbawful zone. Enjoy!...
It's PETA's World, We Just Live In It
When future generations study the first decade of the 21st Century, the debate of course will turn to the Great Racehorse Protests of 2008. In the wake of the Eight Belles tragedy at the Kentucky Derby, PETA is bringing all guns to bear on the remaining Triple Crown events; planning protests at the ...
Old Track Coaches Don't Die ... But They Don't Fade Away Either
Among the countless reasons why you shouldn't pursue a career in sports: The sports pages will always consider what you do news, even if you haven't worked in sports in years and find yourself arrested for something that has nothing to do with sports. Once a news item, always a news item....
Merciful God Answers Prayers, Ends Game 1 Of Cavs-Celts Series
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who woke up this morning without Internet access and had to rush off to a Caribou Coffee, where the "free WiFi hotspot" actually cost him a bag of Deep River potato chips. When he's not finding a way to do his Deadspin column at the last second, he can be fo...
When The Horses Unite, All Will Fall
No longer will the horses stand idly by while we whip them into submission and destroy their ankles and other important pivots. The rebellion has begun. We attempted to warn you. But you arrogant human beings did not listen....
At Least SOMEONE Can Take Off The Favre Jersey Without Making A Whole Stink About It
Remember that kid who wore his Brett Favre jersey for four straight years? Well, either because Favre has retired or puberty is just around the corner, the kid has finally taken it off....
Culprit Found In Eight Belles Tragedy. It's Hillary, Of Course
Backing the wrong horse is always deadly in politics, especially when it's an actual horse. Poor Hillary Clinton. How can someone get into trouble just betting on the Kentucky Derby? By making a huge deal about placing a bet on a horse that had to be destroyed right on the track, that's how. Now PET...
Pistons, 19th Century Technology Defeat Magic
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's interested to see how the Celtics plan to stop LeBron tonight. (He suggests napalm and well-trained attack dogs.) When he's not making violent anti-LeBron plans, he can be found relieving his NBA bladder at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Ozzie Guillen Does A Brilliant Ozzie Guillen Impersonation
Perhaps it's appropriate that Ozzie Guillen would unleash one of his patented expletive-filled tirades on Chicago fans, the Cubs, and media outlets just a few short days removed from the 25th anniversary of Lee Elia's epic f-bomb ranting. Maybe it was an homage. But more likely it was just Ozzie Gui...
On Race, Message Boards And Shutting The Hell Up
Of all the panels on "Costas Now" the other night, the one we thought was most effective at tickling the cerebral cortex was the last one, about race, featuring Cris Carter, Michael Wilbon and Jason Whitlock. (It was so absorbing that "Costas Now" is doing a full 90-minute segment just on race down ...
Roger Clemens Is Sorry For Everything, Some Things, And Nothing
Last week was another rough one for once-destined Hall of Fame pitcher Roger Clemens, as the New York Daily News trotted out a harem of women with whom he'd allegedly had some steamy relations with, much to the chagrin of his HGH-injecting wife and many Texas political figures....
It's Getting Crowded In Horse Valhalla
Eight Belles is probably in Heaven by now, galloping in fields of clover on four sturdy legs and eating tasty apples. No, I'm not sure which friends she's romping about with up there (a safe bet; one of them is not Christopher Reeve). Down here on earth, though, things are quite unsettled. Who is to...
Congratulatory Hugs Aren't What They Used To Be
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Pistonmania Is Running Wild On The Magic!
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Arizona Cannot Be Stopped
Brandon Webb didn't have his best performance of the year, but he can thank Augie Ojeda for helping him notch a seventh consecutive win. The Arizona reserve filled in mightily for the injured Orlando Hudson, driving in six of the runs in the 10-4 win over the Mets. Ojeda had three hits, including tw...
Hornets Tell It Like It Is, Spurs Fall to Pieces
I immediately regret that headline. Anyway, New Orleans opened their series against San Antonio in style with an ass kicking of impressive proportions. The Spurs held a four point lead after the first quarter, but once the mascot lit the floor on fire the Hornets outscored the visitors by 23. Tim D...