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Don't Make Any Loud Noises While Tyler Hansbrough Writes His Name
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...

NFL Recognizes Chad Johnson's Name Change, With Unsurprising Annoying Bureaucratic Twist
The good news for Johnson: the NFL will let him wear his new name on his jersey this year. The bad news? Because of some careless form-filling, it won't appear quite as he'd like....

Phillies Visit White House
Are they saying "boo" or "Boo-rack"? Get it? Because people from Philly are always booing stuff!...

Bills' Hall-of-Famer Bruce Smith Charged With DUI
All Bills' bad behaviour, all the time! The all-time sacks leader was pulled over and arrested early Friday in Virginia Beach, Virginia....

Bills' Fullback Arrested on Charge of Exposing Sexual Organs
Urgent bulletin! New York City's public masturbation epidemic is spreading Northwards across the state!...

Wake Up In The Morning, Your Alarm Gives Out a Warning...
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Manny Apologizes To Teammates For Ruining Their Season
The AP's source in the locker room described Ramirez as being "uncomfortable" during the meeting. Still, handshakes and bro-hugs were plentiful after he spoke. [AP]...

Rick Telander Defends Ryan Theriot Against Rick Telander's Steroid Accusations, All Hell Breaks Loose
Here, courtesy of Rick Telander and his colleagues in the Chicago sports media, is a nice little primer on how to whip up a good old-fashioned hysteria out of nothing whatsoever....

Deadspin Classic: North Dakota's Nazi-Loving Alumni Donor
Deadspin's archives go far deeper than you probably suspect. Occasionally, we like to revisit these timeless stories and remember the internet the way it was before it existed. Introducing Deadspin Classic.......

The One Where Chris Hovan Kills A Doe
We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another....

The Sportswriting Of Malcolm Gladwell Reaches A Tipping Point
By now, you've probably made it through all three parts of the Simmons-Gladwell ESPN.com tandem bike ride. Let's thin-slice! Here's my reaction: Could Malcolm Gladwell please stick to being wrong about dog trainers and Enron?...

Boston Cream Party
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A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
This is Balls Deep with Drew Magary. Read him at KSK. Buy his book. Follow him at Twitter. NSFW Inga after the jump....

Even On Their Special Day, NYU Grads Aren't Allowed To Soil Yankee Stadium's Legends Suite
Meet your NYU Class of 2009:the smelly riff-raff. Do we know if the Yankees have hired snipers to keep the Legends Suite safe from the non-black AmEx-ers? [Subway Chatter]...

This Is Why They Call Them Action Seats
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Yahoo's Righteous Crusade To Purify College Sports
Yahoo, as noted earlier, has another story out in its long-running series on the generous redistributive polices of the USC athletic department. I hate to go all Jason Whitlock here, but, well ......

There Is No "Tag Team" High School Wrestling
A jury is currently deliberating the case of a New Jersey dad who attacked his son's wrestling opponent during a match. He didn't even wait for his entrance music. [Zapruder-like footage @ Star-ledger]...

Phil Simms Used To Be Bedazzling
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Jelena Dokic's Insane Father Has Still Got It (Insanity, That Is)
The father of Serbian tennis star Jelena Dokic once considered nuking Sydney, Australia, because his daughter preferred sun and surf to living in the Balkans. Now he only wants to murder the Australian ambassador. Progress!...

Yankee Stadium Doesn't Want Any Of You Smelly Riff-Raff Troubling The Rich Folk
If you want a human face to put on the new, already-insufferable Yankee Stadium, you'll find none better than the smirking man at left. Meet Lonn Trost, a man of lordly disdain for the not-rich....