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How To Survive A Long-Distance Relationship
I'm sorry we're here. Or rather, I'm sorry that the Love of Your Life is way, way far out over there. It's not easy being in a long-distance relationship. Trust me. While absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever, that absence is also exhausting, depressing, and can drive you crazy. You may fi...

How To Take A Vacation Alone
Traveling is not something you need to do with a group, or even a partner. In fact, it's often even better when done alone. It's a scary thought, but if you do it right, it's very rewarding....

How To Throw, And Survive, A Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party
You can get away with the extended-family-plus-cake setup for your kid's first, oh, four or even five birthdays. Sure, you might invite one or two chums from preschool or the neighborhood, or the close-in-age cousins, but really: So long as there are candles to blow out, cake to eat, presents to...

How To Quit Your Job To Be A Better Feminist (And Parent)
Four years ago, I quit my high-profile, lucrative law job. ...

How To Suck Up To Your Terrible Boss
In the abyss of degradation that is the modern office, pretending to respect your boss is one of the more difficult tasks you might face. He or she controls your paycheck, dictates what hours you're chained to your desk, and calls pointless meetings just to hear his own voice with different acoust...

How To Talk To Girls On Twitter Without Coming Off Like A Creepy Rando
So, here you are, my friend, following a lot of brilliant women on Twitter (I hope). It's so fun, and the best part of Twitter is connecting with people, so you want to reply to some of her great tweets with your own great opinions and jokes! Cool, cool, but here are some things to keep in mind....

How To Clean Up Every Mess Depicted In <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i>
Fifty Shades of Grey is not a good book. The story essentially boils down to two boring people engaged in a boring contract negotiation, punctuated by seemingly endless rounds of shower/bathtub sex and a few light spankings. It's really very, very dull stuff....

How To Deal With Valentine's Day, No Matter Who You Are
This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday (FYI: It’s tomorrow), making it awfully convenient for those of you planning a romantic weekend getaway and a three-day headache for the rest of us. Let’s face it: This holiday isn’t the greatest no matter your relationship status. (The media/retail ons...

How To Be The Reluctant Guy At The Strip Club
So you're bound for a strip club against your will, because you've got to go to your brother's bachelor party with all his college friends, or your girlfriend is dragging you to check one out, or your boss thinks that's the best way to unwind during a business trip. You feel like a vegetarian at a s...

How To Survive A Round Of Golf With Your Boss Or Father-In-Law
Anyone who plays golf and has been stupid enough to tell other people that they play golf—"Oh, you play? That's wonderful! Lisa's dad would love to take you out for a round when you guys visit for Thanksgiving! Isn't that right, Herb?"—is at some point in his or her life going to have to play golf...

Don't Read These Beloved Children's Books To Your Kids
I’m a stay-at-home dad with two kids. My daughter is seven, but before she was old enough to go to preschool, I watched her when she was awake and worked odd hours from home while she slept. My son is two, and we’re on the same schedule, except that I’ve recently joined the jobless recovery, so now...

How To Change A Tire Without Getting Killed Like A Big Dummy
There's really only a very few basic things that are required to be thought of as some manner of "man": Really, it's just genitals of some sort (testes, ovipositor, whatever) and the ability to change a car's tire. Hell, most people don't even care about the genitals thing. It's all changing tires...

How To Talk About God, And Your Wedding, With Your Future In-Laws
This past June, I got married. It was one of the best days of my life, and I hope to never have to experience it again. As anyone who has been through one knows, weddings are a deeply magical experience festooned with deeply unmagical questions: inside or outside? Who pays for what? Is beet salad ...

How To Not Get Shot To Death By A Police Officer
If you're reading this, congrats! You're definitely alive, and you're probably not being stopped or shot to death by a police officer at this very moment. This is half the battle. Now the hard part: If you're alive, there's a chance you'll get stopped by a police officer before you die, and if you...

How To Drive In The Snow, In A Regular-Ass Car, Without Freaking Out
First, a tale....

How To Stock Your Home Bar
No one's coming over to your house for a flaming cocktail. Conversely, no one's coming over to your house if you have no booze at all. You don't need to get too wild, but you need to be prepared. Friend, you need to stock a home bar....

How To Buy A New Car Without Getting Ripped Off
So you've finally made it to the point where you can treat yourself to a new car. But you're past the point of searching Craigslist for thousand-dollar beaters; it's time to put the big-boy pants on and head to the dealership. Here's how to go car-shopping without getting taken for a ride....

I'm A Grown Man Who Wet The Bed. What Do I Do Now?
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....

How To Beat Insomnia, Or At Least Learn Good Sleep Habits, Ya Zombie
One of the features of young-adulthood is being oh God like soooooo hungover and sleep-deprived all the time, darkly glamorous behind thick, black vampire shades and beneath wild bedhead, lurching into your workplace like Death itself with a not now OK scowl and scandalizing all the old married fa...