balls-deep Page 40 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Definitive List Of Excuses For Day Drinking
I missed one of the World Cup games the other day due to family obligations, so I caught up on highlights that night when ESPN did a cut-and-paste re-broadcast of game highlights on ESPN FC, with an anchor introducing the clips like it was an episode of Masterpiece Theater. "When we last left Brazil...
Why Do So Many Sportswriters Love Bruce Springsteen?
Hello. My name is Drew, and I think Bruce Springsteen is just OK. I have never bought one of his albums. I have attended one of his concerts (I was shitfaced), but only one. I used to practice singing "Brilliant Disguise" in the shower when I was in high school so that I could serenade a girl wi...
Great Moments In Terrible Summer Jobs
My first summer job was working at a Little Caesar's in Torrington, CT. Here's a quick pro-tip for all you college kids out there who need a way to pay for beer next semester: NEVER take a restaurant job where cheese is highly prevalent. Pizza, Mexican food, some artisanal fondue joint, etc. I had...
Why Tim Duncan Will Never Be Loved Like Michael Jordan
I was driving home the other day when a horrific accident played out at an intersection in front of the stoplight where I was stopped. I didn't see the initial collision, but I heard the crash and turned my head to see an SUV go rolling down the street, breaking apart like it was Talladega Nights. ...
How To Bandwagon Like You Mean It
We're all born bandwagon fans. We're born without loyalties, and without any sense of obligation to one team or another. Your dad might dress you up in a ROLL TIDE onesie, but that doesn't automatically make you a rabid devotee to the cause. We all begin our relationship with sports casually. Th...
"Go, OJ, Go!": Liveblogging The White Bronco Chase, 20 Years Later
Unlike many people, I don't remember where I was when OJ Simpson took off on that infamous Bronco ride back in 1994. It was summer, so I was probably at my folks' house asking my mom to buy me lots of Killian's Irish Red for freshman year. I remember watching the sheriff on ESPN say that police we...
The World Cup Is Your Kid’s Last Hope
I have three kids, and I have resigned myself to the fact that they will never be sports fans in the way that I am a sports fan. They'll never waste time perusing box scores in the newspaper because newspapers are old and dead. They'll never pledge loyalty to one local team because they have fantasy...
Beef Vs. Pork: WHO YA GOT?!
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering mucus, decapitation, suicide by sledgehammer, and more. ...
Who Is The Skip Bayless Of Ghana (And Italy And England And ...)?
So I watched the U.S. pull off a thrilling win over Ghana last night and after the euphoria died down and I had to take a beer shit, I thought about what local Ghanaian reaction would be to this stinging defeat. Surely, there must be a Bill Plaschke-type back home at the Ghana Ghazette, doling out ...
The Hater’s Guide To The 2014 World Cup
Soccer! Football! The Beautiful Game! OL’ NETTY! Yes, it’s time again for 31 contending nations (plus England) to gather together for the World Cup. Now, soccer people (very much to be confused with pod people) will remind you that the World Cup is the most popular sporting event in the world. ...
Laser Tag Is Fucking War
My plan was to fart. I ate a shitload of Chinese for lunch and five slices of pizza for dinner (CRUSHED those slices), and so I figured that if I farted long and hard enough, I would inflict damage upon my co-workers, regardless of my actual marksmanship. SHUT UP AND FART SMOG SOMEONE. That was my...
Which Two States Combined Would Make The Best Power State?
Time for your letters:...
I Got Certified To Coach Heads Up Football And It Was A Joke
By now you know that the NFL is being sued by a group of former players who are alleging that their respective teams systematically doped them up and destroyed their bodies, East Germany-style. This comes just as the NFL has perfected its damage control technique when it comes to head injuries. If...
Bill Murray Crashes Bachelor Party, Gives Awesome Speech
In the video above, you see shape-shifting coyote trickster god Bill Murray walking in on a bachelor party in Charleston, dishing out some advice to everyone EXCEPT the groom. Here's reader Stephen with the background:...
A List Of People You May Cross The Street To Avoid
You are walking down the street. Someone is coming at you. Will they hurt you? Kill you? Throw you into a van and molest you? They might! But are you worried enough about it to flee?...
An Ode To Sleeping Children
I had to look after all three of my kids by myself this weekend, and when you are alone with children for that long, you are so put-upon that your memory stops working. I can't even recall what happened over those three days, because my brain went into Safe Mode and was like, NOPE. I'M NOT STORING...
Why Is ESPN Letting Darren Rovell Turn Ad Campaigns Into Articles?
Here is a headline from a recent Darren Rovell article (?) that appeared on ESPN.com earlier this week: "Deal forbids Brees from motorcycle." ...
The Trashiest Tattoo Locations, Ranked
Before we get to the Funbag, a couple of things. First off, to commemorate the paperback release ofSomeone Could Get Hurt, I'm gonna do a reading at the Dodge City bar here in D.C. on Wednesday night. We'll start around 8:30 p.m, and I promise not to read for too long, because no one ever likes th...
Your Open Relationship Is Horseshit
There was a dude on Reddit today who proposed an open relationship with his girlfriend, only to have the whole thing blow up in his face when his girlfriend managed to score vestigial lovers and he couldn't do likewise. Any normal person will tell you that, unless your name is Gene Simmons, open re...