balls-deep Page 41 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Fuck Chipotle
Everyone's rightfully goofing on Chipotle today for unveiling a line of cups and bags featuring insta-literature from the likes of Toni Morrison and George Saunders. Now, I have no issue with restaurant chains scrawling stuff on their packaging. Cook Out could post entire passages from Leviticus o...
Michael Sam Is Doing A Reality Show, And That Sucks
So Michael Sam has a reality show now, and I'm just gonna go ahead and align myself with the HOT TAKES crowd and say that Sam just pissed away a whole lot of the goodwill he'd built up for himself these past few months. They can class up the announcement all they like. They can call it a "document...
How To Suck: A Special Message To The Graduating Class Of 2014
This is all about sucking, so I'll begin with me, in a parking lot, parked too close to the adjacent car. I open my car door and inadvertently hit the other dude's door. I pray that I haven't left a scratch, or a dent, or something substantial that would require insurance-card swapping and 10 minu...
Why <em>Inside The NBA</em> Could Never Happen In The NFL
Your letters:...
Here Are Your Worst Prom Hookup Failures
Once upon a time at this fair site, we ran a series of posts entitled Drunken Hookup Failure, chronicling sordid tales of young lust gone horribly awry. Today, we've decided to bring DHF back for a special prom-themed edition. Here now are some of our readers' very worst prom failures....
The NFL Is Trying To Get You To Hate Football
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....
I Took TED's Stupid Grit Quiz!
If you're a sports fan like I am, you know that championships aren't won with talent or sound strategy or even proper personnel evaluation. They are won with HUSTLE and HEART and ECKSTEINIAN fortitude that cannot be measured, because measuring things is for nerds and pussies. ...
Down With NBA Playoff Color-Outs
Whoa, hey, the paperback edition of Someone Could Get Hurt drops today, so if you were too cheap to spring for a hardcover last spring (and you were; I've seen the royalty statements), now you can buy it on the cheap. Everyone wins when you give me your money....
Down With Runway Food
I was watching an episode of Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown recently, and he was in Vegas at a fancy José Andrés restaurant-within-a-restaurant that had roughly two and a half seats and likely charged hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for a single meal. Bourdain was presented with an "egg" that wa...
What Happens If The Clippers Win The NBA Title?
Before we hit up the Funbag, two things. First off, I wrote a short story called THE ROVER that you can buy here for a dollar. You can also borrow it for free with Amazon Prime. But for real, it's only a buck. You cheap old miser. GIVE ME MY DOLLAR, GOD DAMMIT....
Press Release Touting Newer, Hipper Ronald McDonald Is Batshit Crazy
Ohhhhh, Darren Rovell. Oh, you picked the wrong day to be suspended from Twitter, amigo. Because McDonald's just issued a press release for a fully redesigned Ronald McDonald, and it is fucking nutty. They don't even bother trying to sound human. They went the full Poochie. Let's take a look....
Pine Tar Should Be Fully Legal, And Baseball Is Still Fucking Insane
As you might know, Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda got booted from a game last night for rocking a swatch of pine tar on the back of his neck, in full view of everyone. The weird thing is that it wasn't the fact that Pineda used pine tar that got everyone pissy, but the fact that he did it so blatan...
Eight Reasons Never To Go On Spring Break With Children
Just let go. That was the slogan of the hotel we were staying at for Spring Break, and it was a solid slogan. After all, this was a family resort, and at family resorts, parents often need to be reminded to ease up, take the sticks out of their asses, and TRY to enjoy themselves, if only to then f...
Forget The PAT: Let’s Destroy The Touchback
Before we get to the Funbag, a big thank-you to noted punter of balls Chris Kluwe, who filled in here last week and did far too capable a job. And now… your letters:...
Why Paternity Leave Is Important, Even Though You’ll Hate It
Every few years, there's a big Hot Sports Take orgy because a pro athlete decided to skip a game for a birth and/or paternity leave. This year, it was Daniel Murphy's turn in the barrel, getting dumped on by Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa after skipping two games after his kid was born. Esiason h...
Real Or Fake, Stephen Colbert's <em>Late Show</em> Is Gonna Be Awesome
Back when Stephen Colbert was on The Daily Show, he also used to do radio-ad voiceover work for extra money. I was a junior copywriter working on a shit-ass cell-phone account when our agency hired Colbert (who worked for scale at the time) to enter a recording studio and do a series of 60-second re...
Your Stadium Timeout Diversions, Ranked
I'm on vacation next week, which means the Funbag will be commandeered by a MYSTERY HOST. Who will be the mystery host? Will it be someone famous? Someone unexpected? Or someone you've seen around here before and his (or her!) revelation will probably be a bit of a letdown for you? I think the ...
And So It Comes To This: The Bitchy Final Four
We've been slogging through the Bitchy Bracket for two weeks now, and at last we've come to our Final Four of thin-skinned, defensive, repulsive fanboys. And what a Final Four it is! We've got a 1-seed, a 2-seed, a rampaging 4-seed peaking at the right time, and we have a Cinderella story in the 8t...
At Least The Tiger Woods Bullshit Machine Is As Healthy As Ever
So Tiger Woods backed out of the Masters this week after having a microdiscectomy operation on his spine. And, in accordance with how Tiger Woods conducts business, a gangbang of faceless agents and marketers came together on his behalf and posted a formal statement on his website about the withdra...
Is There Ever A Good Reason To Throw A Drink In A Woman’s Face?
Your letters:...