balls-deep Page 42 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Can Anyone Stop The Beliebers? Vote On The Bitchy Bracket Final 8
We're down to the regional finals of our survey of the most thin-skinned, defensive fanboys in America, and apparently you people aren't familiar enough with the lunatics at TEAM BREEZY because Chris Brown's virtual harem got spanked in the Sweet 16 by Beliebers, who make such obvious targets. Here...
I Bandwagoned The <i>How I Met Your Mother</i> Finale, Which Sucked
I have a nasty habit of jumping into popular TV shows at the last moment to siphon off a bit of counterfeit emotional payoff without putting in the years and years of tedious buildup. I did this with Lost (not bad!). I did this with Breaking Bad (I REGRET NOTHING). And last night I did it with Ho...
Columnist Angry At The Imaginary Murders DeSean Jackson Has Witnessed
You thought Phil Mushnick couldn't get any more Mushnick on your ass than he already has? Ohhhh, people. Oh, how you underestimate that cagey old fucker. Because today, Mushnick hopped into the Andy Rooney machine and set it to Full Bushy Eyebrow. Join me as he carefully evaluates the plight of ...
Why Are Screens Better Than Real Life?
I have three children, and left unsupervised, they will stare at screens until their eyeballs liquefy and seep into the carpet. And so, I spend every single day of my existence wringing my hands over how much screen time is too much screen time for these people. Sometimes I set a timer. Sometimes ...
A Proper Dress Code For Getting Shitfaced At The Ballpark
Today our Tom Ley goofed on the silly new dress code restrictions for the St. Louis Cardinals Ballpark Village (i.e., a place where bros from Dardenne Prairie will get shitfaced after another triumphant Cardinals win against a morally inferior opponent). Ley pointed out that there was no shortage o...
We're Down To The Mean 16: Round 3 Of The Bitchy Bracket
So you, the public, have pared down the Bitchy Bracket to a lean and mean 16. And like real NCAA brackets, this is where the big boys start clobbering at each with giant-sized Hulk fists....
Why The “Cinderella” Label Should Be Killed Forever
I took my kids to an open gym at some gymnastics joint this weekend, the kind of place where you pay $8 for them to bounce around on trampolines and shit. Anyway, I noticed there was a fully grown adult couple playing around on the equipment as well. Turned out you could join this gym as a grownup ...
Who Will Be The Bitchy Cinderella? Round 2 Of The Bitchy Bracket Begins
So the first round of the Bitchy Bracket is done, and we're ready to move on to the second round of voting. Before starting in on voting, though, let's take a brief look at the first-round results, which saw all sorts of touchy fanboys knocked off, including some that, honestly, deserved less respec...
I Sang Two National Anthems At An NBA Game And Did Not Start A War
Canada ruins everything. At least, it does when it comes to event planning your standard regular-season NBA game. As you probably know, any game that features an American team playing a Canadian team must include the singing of both "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "O Canada." If you look up into th...
Quit Bitchin', Start Voting: Round 1 Of The Bitchy Bracket Continues
Read the intro here and start voting below. You have until 11 a.m. EDT tomorrow. Vote for the other half of Round 1 here....
Who Are The Bitchiest, Most Defensive Fans In America?
Not long ago, our Billy Haisley wrote a post shitting on Major League Soccer. When you rip on American soccer, you can rest assured that a tidal bore of American soccer fanboy defensiveness is headed your way. It's almost as if they're all huddled together outside your house, waiting behind the shr...
Here's What Happened When We Hijacked The Hawks' Twitter Feed
When we first took over the Atlanta Hawks Twitter feed yesterday, the Hawks marketing department got a call from the NBA league office to alert them that their account had been hacked, probably because they saw this......
A March Madness Pool Scoring System That Doesn't Suck
Before we get to today's Funbag, a quick bit of news: I'll be singing the U.S. and Canadian anthems tonight at the Raptors-Hawks game in Atlanta. I've also taken over the Hawks' official Twitter feed (@ATLHawks) for the day. Or at least until they kick me off. So join me today for MAXIMUM HAWKITU...
31 Buddy-Cop Clichés On <em>True Detective</em>
I really liked True Detective, and by the end of last night's wildly entertaining (and fucking terrifying) season finale, it became clear that the show is, at heart, your standard buddy-cop movie. It just happened to be brilliantly crafted, impeccably acted, stretched out to eight hours, and riddle...
Confessions Of A Nail-Biter
My mom suspended her college education in order to have kids, and so I was five years old when she finally received her bachelor's degree. We drove down to her school for a tasteful graduation luncheon. I remember they had free soda. At some point, while my mom was mingling with her classmates, I...
Would You Rather Have A Celebrity Autograph Or A Celebrity Selfie?
I was at an intersection on a six lane road the other day and I had to make a left. So in the opposite lane nearest to me, a Good Samaritan stopped to let me turn. The problem was that she was basically asking me to commit suicide, because motorists in the next two lanes over gave the zeroest of f...
The Dadspin Guide To The American Snow Day
It's snowing. Again. I live in an area where the arrival of half a snowflake results in the absolute cessation of all business and public transport and hospital respirators, so school is closed. For the 90th fucking time. At this rate, my children will learn to read sometime around 2085....
The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Oscars
Oh hey, the Oscars are on Sunday night! And congratulations to America’s celebrities for enduring another painfully long and arduous awards season. YOU POOR THINGS! Being shuttled from red carpet to red carpet, forced to wear nice clothes, asked the same dumb questions over and over again (“How’s...
The Case For New York City As Greatest City In The World
There was some rumor going around about a Space Jam sequel last week starring LeBron James. Now, I hated that movie. I didn't even like it in the ironic way that some people like it because it was badly acted or whatever. But anyway, the guy who directed Space Jam was a legendary ad director name...