balls-deep Page 43 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Who Cares About Jadeveon Clowney's "Motor"? (Assholes, That's Who.)
Guys, I'm concerned about Jadeveon Clowney. Oh sure, he ran a sub-4.5 40 today at the combine and is perhaps the best athlete to enter the draft in recent memory. But fuck all that. What I really want to know is ... HOW IS HIS MOTOR?! Twitter, can you be of service?...
How To Prevent Your Spine From Turning To Mush
Hey, you! Mr. Spry Twenty-Five-Year-Old! Feeling pretty limber these days, eh? Going out and CRUSHING beers and playing campus golf and bending over to pick up entire crates of taco meat. Life's pretty swell for you! Well, I have fun news for you, sport. PAIN IS COMING. So much pain. One day...
The Last-Minute Hater's Guide To Canada
If you're as dedicated as I am to not doing anything, you're surely spending this afternoon watching the United States square off against Canada in the Olympic ice hockey semifinals. CANADA! Those horse-mounting salmon eaters needed to bribe a fucking post yesterday just to beat our women's team. ...
Why Non-Assholes Always Want To Prove Themselves To Assholes
So I was reading through the Wells report on the Martin/Incognito affair, which reads like an updated version of the Stanford Prison Experiment, and there was one passage that stuck out for me:...
Leave Bob Costas Alone!
I have had my share of fun goofing on Bob Costas over the years. He is NBC's resident nostalgia elf, and every Sunday night during football season he climbs up on his big-boy chair and arranges himself in that self-satisfied, half-canted way of his and delivers unto you, the common folk, a halftime...
Michael Sam Shouldn't Have To Do This Alone
So Missouri defensive end Michael Sam came out publicly last night to the New York Times (he had already been out to his teammates since before the season) and roughly 30 minutes after the RAINBOWSTREAM MEDIA broke out in celebration, the Distraction Factory cranked up in the form of these eight ano...
Pete Carroll Is The Future
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. ...
The Hater's Guide To The Sochi Olympics
Greetings, comrade! And welcome to the 2014 Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia! Thank God that Vladimir Putin has restored Russia to its rightful place as America’s enemy and foil. (Russia: We Don’t Even Pretend We’re A Democracy Anymore!™) Russians are white and live inside a distinct national ...
Fuck You, "You Sexy Thing"
There were a lot of shitty Super Bowl ads last night. Spending $4 million on an ad means that most companies and ad agencies are too scared to allow one person to have a single vision of what the ad should be, and thus you get a 30 second gangbang of styles of tones and terrible jokes and unwanted ...
On The Super Bowl Party Boat With Cam Newton And Endless Free Beer
There was a plastic tent in front of the aircraft carrier and a man in a black sport coat was shouting—with great authority—at a group of media people waiting to get inside the Madden Bowl party and out of the cold. A generator had just blown inside the tent, which was already filled to capacity to...
Your Super Bowl Weather Report: NO ONE MADE YOU COME HERE
All week long, we'll be keeping track of the weather conditions for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here is your Friday update....
On Softness
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. ...
Down With Big Birthday
I have two kids with birthdays coming up and as much as I would like to sidestep the Birthday-Industrial Complex, it's no easy task. There are two levels of peer pressure in the birthday universe: the peer pressure exerted on your children (not that I really care about that) and the social pressure...
Colin Kaepernick On Richard Sherman: “Come On”
Colin Kaepernick was in a private room on the sixth floor of a West Side event space, standing in front of a white scrim festooned with corporate logos and posing for photos with a succession of lesser VIPs. He was there as the "surprise guest" of Deadspin's Super Bowl party last night, which is ano...
I Got A Manicure In The Super Bowl Media Lounge
It's been a long day and you've been busting your ass on the radio for hours and hours, dishing out your strong takes to the loyal listeners of ESPN's regional radio affiliate in Altoona. You need a break. You need to come in from the WINDSWEPT MOONSCAPE of this cold weather Super Bowl week. Well...
Your Super Bowl Weather Report: AND A GREAT SNOW MURDERED YOUR FACE
All week long, we'll be keeping track of the weather conditions for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here is your Wednesday update:...
